The Ballsack: Zoë Ball Exposed

[ PICTURE: No, honestly, I'm a good DJ. I am. ]

The only good thing you can say about Zoe Ball is that unlike the rest of the crowd of irritating chirpy former kids' TV presenters turned media sluts, at least she hasn't stripped off for the papers. Oh wait, she has. Scratch that.

Let's face it, Zoe Ball is awful. Try as we might, we couldn't think of much wrong with Philippa Forrester - it's more the scary blokes who like her. And go through her bins. But the Ballster is another matter entirely. Like her father, who started out great and then embarrassingly tripped and fell into the pocket of the nuclear lobby so that he had to earn his supper going round the country telling schoolkids that radiation is actually good for you, she has slipped from grace and become an annoying pustule on the nation's radio and TV dials.

BallFacts

  1. Fatboy Slim, as you might imagine from his name, likes big plates of stodgy food, like beef pies. And chips. Zoe once tried serving hubby a cool refreshing salade niçoise, as a healthy alternative. But he didn't like it.

  2. Even a tiny child remembers the 1980s mini-series V, in which a race of evil lizard-like beings nearly conquers the Earth wearing convincing rubber human heads. In one poignant scene Diana, queen lizard from hell, gobbles up a whole mouse, sucking up the tail like spaghetti. After careful consultation with our legal department, we have decided not to suggest in any way that Zoe Ball's slightly unusual facial bone structure indicates her alien lizard origins, or that when off camera she regularly scoffs handfuls of rodents, five at a time, or that hubby Fatboy Slim once caught her without the mask and had to be sedated by paramedics. So that's cleared that up.

  3. Everyone knows that Zoe's father is celebrity TV maths guru and BNFL publicity consultant Johnny Ball. But how many people know that Zoe's mother is actually the never-popular comedian Bobby Ball? Bobby and Johnny met one night in 1974 at a gig, got drunk, and the spawn of their unholy union was young Zoe. She has since spent many years in therapy to deal with her compulsion to twang people's braces and shout "Rock on, Tommy!" Zoe never likes to talk about her origins, saying it "gives her a flippin' 'eadache".

  4. A few months ago, the press was awash with the story of Zoe's plans to get hitched to remix guru Norman Cook (AKA Fatboy Slim.) While most people have assumed that the relationship is founded on the common interest of getting paid for producing garbage, the 'fatboy' link does in fact go much deeper.

    Anyone who has listened to the Zoe Ball breakfast show cannot fail to have noticed her personality - or lack of it. Most people will turn a blind eye, but many avid Star Trek fans will have begun to suspect the truth: Zoe is in fact an android, and her 'brain' is a 'neural net' made out of spare parts from one of Norman's synthesisers. Initial programming was performed to 'configure' her as a media celebrity and she was allowed to develop her own algorithms from there.

    Sadly, as the neural network has expanded, it has begun to generate rogue routines. Specifically, the subroutines for 'being sycophantic to celebrities' and 'pretending to be close friends with anyone famous' have begun to expand at exponential rates. This has caused severe damage to some of the android's more basic functions, such as 'being remotely interesting' and 'being able to walk and chew gum at the same time.' The future looks bleak for the android, and if a solution is not found soon, the Zoe will be reduced to a gibbering, stuttering wreck. Norman is said to be ambivalent on the matter - on the down-side he loses his bride to be, but on the up-side he can just plug the android into his mixing deck and get several more hit singles for free.

    Legal Note: the above fact was issued from the brain of regular Mooseling David Thornber, and all writs and summonses should be directed to his address (available on request). Simply because David saves me the trouble of having to write most of the jokes every week, that's no reason why he should escape the full penalty of the law for his actions.

  5. Zoe's gawky good looks are a consequence of her father's unholy union with a kangaroo. Because of her macropine ancestry Zoe is forbidden to enter any Roman Catholic church after sundown, though special dispensation was granted by the Pope on the occasion of her marriage to TV chef Ainsley Harriott.

Comments

Zoe Ball

Zoe Ball and what can we say to that much really, everything is mined in various aspects.

Male enhancement pills are

Male enhancement pills are also created to resolve the little penis. Researchers, doctors, as well as nutritional experts been employed by together in order to invent the very best effective male enhancement pill. We. sparxx rx review

zoe ball is a fucking waste

zoe ball is a fucking waste of space and useless cu9t!!

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor, or a twat.
By submitting this form, you accept the Mollom privacy policy.