Mind My Nuts: Tales of Betty Nut
Towards the end of the twentieth century there lived a man so bored with his job that he was forced to write a series of appalling stories - each a miniature masterwork, an illiterate cascade of filth, evil and sickness. Together the Betty Nut stories stand as a monument to anti-taste. They are archived here in the hope that future generations may recoil in horror from the depravity of their forebears, run away, and henceforth live clean, healthy lives, remembering always to brush their teeth.
- The Return of Betty Nut
- Betty Nut and the Case of Linda Fritter
- Betty Nut and the Case of the Robotic Spy Cod
- Betty Nutster - Wild West Wanker
- Betty Nut and the Arses of Navarone
And a special bonus story:
The Return of Betty Nut
It had been two years since the disappearance of ace nut related crime buster, Betty Nut. He was last seen leaving for Wheheyy Island for a vacation. His body was never recovered and Nut was presumed dead. He was being given a full state funeral and was to be buried in a splendid oak coffin, festooned with pecans and all manner of exotic nuts. Everyone from the Wigan Police Depot were there to mourn their fallen comrade. Poncy De Quim, nuts superior, wept at the grave side and left an enormous bunch of tulips.
Poncy - "Toot Toot nut, it was a pleasure ordering you on incredibly dangerous cases while I minced around the office. I will miss you nut, Kneep Kneep"
The crowd at the grave side were not without a few surprise faces. Standing at the back were Nuts two biggest foes, Albert Badger and Charles Les Vulva. Even though they would gladly sodomise Nut using his dead Gran as a condom, they still came to offer their commiserations to nut's wife, Bert. They approached Bert and offered her a fucking huge silver bumble bee. Bert lifted her veil and smiled at the crooks, it was a charming gift and looked expensive, this would mean she wouldn't have to go back on the game for at least a year.
Bert thanked the two thugs and then moved over to the grave side while the coffin was lowered into the ground.
Vicar - "Ahem, dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness this fuckers death, Ho Ho watch this"
The crowd then gasped in amazement as the vicar reached over to a nearby tree and tugged on a large plastic stoat that was attached to the trunk. The stoat triggered a switch which started a tape recorder running. Everyone felt sick when they heard Cilla Black singing "surprise, surprise", they could just imagine her repulsive leathery scouse neck quivering with every awful flat note. There was a barely noticeable mechanical click and a circle of grass at the grave side slid away. As Cilla screamed "The unexpected hits you between the eyes", a figure emerged from the hole. The crowd gasped in horror when the figure turned around. There was Betty Nut completely naked, laughing hysterically, wearing a ludicrous badger skin hat.
"Ho Ho I'm back you fuckers, I'm back"
Chapter 1 - Crawling From The Wreckage
It took the vicar an hour to disperse the crowd, he was most annoyed that people regarded the stunt as being in bad taste. In fact a few were so angry they held him down and repeatedly kicked him in the bollocks. As luck would have it though he was wearing a large sanitary towel under his cassock.
Nuts wife approached the crime busting berk and demanded an explanation for his mechanically aided ground expulsion exploits.
Nut - "Bert, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, after my last case there was a huge lapse in continuity. I was supposed to have gone mad after drinking sea water when I was cast out on a raft made of nettles. Unfortunately this left no more options for my amazing adventures. In the end I decided it was best if I lived underground for two years. I was taken in by a family of badgers and was fed flap jack by the kind local vicar every day. In return I persuaded one of the badgers to crawl up his arse. Anyway, one day I decided it was time to come out of hiding. I murdered the badger family, making them into a splendid hat, and was about to come and see you when the vicar suggested it would be a good idea to make a more spectacular entrance. We decided to rig up a hopeless mechanical system whereby I could pop out of the ground like a fantastic nuclear powered walnut. Unfortunately this took us 2 years to complete."
Bert - "Bloody hell you fucking jizzum, two years to pop out of the fucking ground, well I've decided to leave you"
With that his wife stormed off leaving nut to rue his misfortune.
Chapter 2 - The Sooth Saying Ghost Of Leonard Rossiter
Nut was left standing alone in the graveyard, all his friends had buggered off in disgust and his wife had left him after 10 years of happy wedded bliss. Well that wasn't exactly true, she had been a prostitute for most of that time, and when she did eventually agree to sleep with him for free, he caught a dose of Moroccan Clap. This particular form of VD is only found in a small group of shit eating red arsed faggot baboons living in the Moroccan Highlands, and required nut to undergo a series of painful antibiotic injections in his todger, up his arse and in his eye. He did think the injections in his eye were a bit severe and did wonder why the nurse who did it was sniggering and smelt of medical alcohol.
While he was busy pondering over the past he didn't see the Vicar approaching.
Vicar - "I'm sorry Betty, I really did think that our marvelously morbid mechanical entrance would make us the toast of Wigans social set"
Nut - "Preposterous piffle you preening pompous preaching pillock. I've spent the last two years of my life in hiding building your fucking mechanical monster and look where its got me. All my friends hate me and my wife has done a bunk"
Vicar - "Oh Betty, I'm so sorry"
With that the vicar started to emit a high pitched squealing sound and ran around nut flapping his arms in a quite bizarre fashion. The awful truth finally dawned on Nut, the vicar, his friend and flap jack provider for two years, was as mad as a sackload of rabid puffins. With one mighty coconut like swing of his arm, nut roundhoused the vicar killing him stone dead.
Nut - "I'm sorry my friend, its for the best, now you can rest in peace. I will make sure you are rememberd with dignity and honour"
With that nut stripped him down to his sanitary towel, hoisted him onto a nearby bush and shat on his back. It was the least he could do. When he pulled his pants up he heard a ghostly voice coming from a small tree.
"Myyy God Miss Jones NNNaarrr Narrr!"
It can't be, nut thought. He wandered around to where the sound was coming from and was greeted by a sight that chilled him to the bone. Standing in a shimmery glow and wearing an etheral cardigan was the ghost of Leonard Rossiter.
Tentatively nut approached the deceased comedy star and couldn't help following through out of fear.
Rigsby - "Myy Godd, beware the ides of October nut, Miss Jones Nnnnaa Nnnnaa"
The ghost of the infamous seventies sitcom star then vanished in a puff of evaporated urine. What could it mean nut thought, why the 1st of October. The answer suddenly came to him as if someone with a really long arm had goosed him from Spain, the 1st of October was his wife's birthday!
Chapter 3 - Hoars
Nut raced out of the church and headed back to his house, he needed to warn Bert. When he got there he felt a strong brazil nut worry come over him. Using all his stealth and guile he tripped and nearly ended up with a milk bottle up his Garry Glitter.
Nut - "Ooof you fucker, nut power where are you when I need you most"
As if by magic, these words summoned up the magic peanut of power, and gave nut the ability to walk about like a malnourished flea. He hopped upstairs and was about to shout for his wife when he heard voices coming from the bedroom. He flitted over to the door and started to listen.
Bert - "Right then you two, thats tuppence for the soapy back scuttle and a farthing for the rimming and golden showers"
Albert Badger and Charles Les Vulva - "Ho Ho you bet you filthy prostitute. To think the once great Betty Nut has now had his two worse enemies paying his wife to commit all manner of foul acts on them. I just can't wait to see his face on your birthday Bert, when we pop out of your cake and stab him in the face."
Bert - "Yes, it will be a right laugh. I'll teach that nut related twat to stay underground for two years befriending badgers"
Nut couldn't believe it, his own wife betraying him. Gradually the fury began to creep through nut. He flitted out of the house and systematically slaughtered every dog in the neighbourhood. After he anger was sated he began to plot his awful revenge.
Chapter 4 - Nut goes hatstand
The day had arrived, it was Berts birthday. Nut had pretended to be delighted when Bert came around saying she was sorry and that she wanted him back. He had agreed to go to her birthday party and arrived at the house. Nut smiled at Bert when she brought a large cake into the lounge even though by now he had gone completely mad and found it difficult stopping himself from running around squawking like a circumcised sparrow. Bert asked nut if he would care to open the cake. He smiled and walked over to the confectionery terror. He flipped the lid open and Badger and Les Vulva jumped out. Before they could stab him in the face nut sashayed out of the way. He then sharply punched the two villans behind their ears with incredible force. Bert was shocked, nut had applied the deadly brain damage rabbit punch and the thugs were left gibbering on the floor covered in piss with the combined brain power of a retarded mushroom.
Bert - "Goodness, thank God you were here Betty, if you hadn't done that you would have got stabbed in the face. I hope you are alright"
Nut was incensed by this false show of emotions and told Bert what he knew. She looked up surprised as nut started to leave the room.
Nut - "Even though you're a cheap slag Bert and tried to get me stabbed in the face I still love you."
Bert smiled and walked over to nut thanking her lucky stars he was such a big nancy at heart.
Nut wearily trudged back to his office to see De Quim and ask for his job back. When he walked in Poncy was there waiting by his desk.
De Quim - "Nut, I knew you'd come back, crime solving is not just a job its a way of life Goddammit. You may be as daft as brush and posses all the crime fighting skills of a brothel creeping haggis but your all we've got. I also heard someone say you've got back with your wife, I admire you nut, to forgive such an unrepentant trollop."
Nut - "Thanks for the job poncy, I know your a raving nancy but Wigan still needs me. Oh and by the way, about my wife, I did forgive her but I got pissed last night and smashed her head in with a bag of frozen quales. I then ate her and posted the remains to Watchdog"
Nut then started to laugh hysterically, he span around, emitted a loud guttural bellow, and before Poncy could intervene, threw himself out of the window
THE END ?
Bloody hell I want my money back
Betty Nut and the case of Linda Fritter
Chapter 1 : But I paid my gas bill last week!
It was a cold Wednesday morning in Wigan when Betty Nut reared out of bed. He looked at the clock besides him and felt a dark wave of the deepest foulest bottomless depression cloy at his soul, it was time to get up for work! Shrieking like a banshee he made his way into the shower, stopping only to look at his wife laying fast asleep, with murderous contempt. He soon cheered up when he got into the shower though after admiring his chest tatoo, it was of a large scone wearing a top hat. Jumping into the bath he washed himself with vigour laughing out loud as he did an impression of W.C.Fields with his soapy bollocks. He quickly dried himself off and walked into the bedroom to get dressed.
"Bert, do you think the red or the green tie goes with this shirt"
"I don't care which tie you use, just as long as you tie it around the light fitting and hang yourself, die you scumbag die die die ha ha ha ha" she screamed.
Betty smiled at her, they had such a great marriage, he didn't know why his wife wanted to talk about their future all the time, he was happy enough.
He eventually made it into the office and smartly walked up to Poncy's office.
"With a rap rap rap I knock on your door, answer it please you effeminate bore"
"Come in if you please but wipe your feet on the mat, I may be a queer but your a stupid ugly twat" Poncy cheerfully replied.
They both laughed and embraced each other
"Ha ha ha hello nut its good to see you again, how long has it been" Poncy nostalgically asked.
"Why yesterday you great big twittering ninny" Nut screamed.
Poncy seemed deflated by this remark and started to clack his teeth together like a pair of castanets. Nut said he was only joking and did a tap dance to cheer his sensitive boss up
"You know nut your a right buffoon, but your my best friend, I've got a case that will be right up your alley. I want you to look after the showbiz starlett Linda Fritter"
Upon hearing this nuts heart skipped a beat, Linda Fritter was the most charming elegant lovely woman nut had ever seen, he couldn't help having a minor emission.
"Why does she need looking after Poncy"
"Well nut I'm afraid that the gangland boss Albert Badger has been demanding money off her. She is part owner in the Clam Wine Bar just off Maple Street. Badger is trying to muscle in with his protection racket but of course we've got no proof that he's doing it. I want you to go undercover and try to catch him out"
"Okey dokey you great big mincing poofter, its undercover for me then, what do I go as" nut replied.
"Well nut a few of our officers went into the club last night and murdered the bar man, we want you to take his place. The gear is on your desk along with a fake moustache. Oh I've ensured that the moustache is made out of incredibly itchy camel pubes so you'll probably fuck your lip up Ho Ho Ho"
Nut gruffly left the room, he would have twatted poncy normally for placing his lip in danger but the thought of meeting Miss Fritter fair set his prostate gurgling.
Nut arrived at the Clam bar and knocked roughly on the front door. It was a huge oak affair with a brass prawn shaped knocker in the middle. Nut heard a sharp clicking from inside and the door opened to reveal Miss Fritter in all her glory. She was wearing a prussian blue ball gown which was so short you could clearly see her arse.
"Your late Harry" she said with disdain, "you should have been here half an hour ago"
Nut felt his top lip sweating under the pube moustache, he was a married man and yet this womans revealing dress had forced him to seriously contemplate adultery. He meekly walked inside the club and took his position behind the bar.
Linda looked over to him and asked him to make her a drink. Nut walked over to the optics and started to pour Linda a shot of Wigan Whiskey. He laid the drink down on the bar and called Linda over. She slowly walked up to him and gulped the whiskey down in one. She looked him straight in the eye and smiled
"So Harry, I guess you know by now that I'm not going to give in to Badger, he can stick his protection rackett up his hairy arsehole"
Nut gulped and tried not to sound like a two bit cop wearing a genital disguise.
"Ooooooh really Linda, and just how do you expect to defeat him"
Linda smiled and started to shriek, "The Hen, The Hen Ha Ha Ha Ha".
Chapter 2 : Cluck, cluck,cluck, its the internet hen
Nut found himself staring at Linda with a look of sheer horror, she had obviously gone a bit peculiar, why else would she resort to such inane gibbering.
"What do you mean hen, eh eh ?" Nut bibbled
Linda smiled and grabbed his hand. She lead him down a series of stairs into a small damp room underneath the club. The room was bare apart from a strange shaped object in the corner of the room covered in an enormous pair of orange knickers. Linda walked up the object and with a deafening roar tore off the undies. What Nut saw caused him to emit a series of shrill budgie impressions. There standing in the corner was a huge plastic egg. Linda walked up to him a smiled in truimph.
"This egg is my high tech link to the internet. I will use it to summon the mighty internet hen, a futeristic electronic bird that flaps up and down the information superhighway, clucking like theres no tommorow. When I switch this egg shaped terminal on, the hen will detect it and will naturally try to keep it warm in order to make it hatch. When the bird appears I will threaten to smash the egg unless she pecks Badger to death with her electronic beak"
Nut was stunned, he walked over to Linda's so called terminal and realised that she was a fucking lunatic. The so called terminal inside the egg was three cold sausages. He decided that unless he helped there was no way that Badger would let her live. He turned around to look at her and gave her a cheerful hug
"I think its a brilliant idea, all we need to do is wait for Badger to come around and you can plant your brilliant plan on him."
"Yes I can't wait buck buck beep buck buck beep Ho Ho Ho"
Chapter 3 : Peep
Albert Badger was furious, he had tried to gently perdsuade Linda Fritter that she needed his help but she had thrown it back in his face. Only this morning he had recieved a note from Miss Fritter. It contained a photograph of a chickens arse with the words "Peep peep Badger you big blubbery bag of piss" scrawled on the back. He had decided that enough was enough and it was time to teach Miss Swanky Pants a lesson she would never forget. He pulled on his huge hobnails and walked out of the door his face a picture of uncontrollable rage (this effect was ruined somewhat by the fact that badger had a ludicrous perm that made him look like a twat).
Nut was had to think fast if he was going to save Linda, he had made some lame excuse earlier and had gone upstairs to the club to think of a cunning plan. As if by magic nut then had a brilliant idea so cunning that it would have made crafty charles the cleverly cunning clethorpes crab envious. Just then nut heard a large bang at the door, it could only be badger. Quickly he shuffled off to plot and scheme.
Linda skipped to the door in a insane fashion and opened it up
"Buck buck beep badger ho ho ho h-h-hennnn!!!" she cried. Badger leapt inside and grabbed Linda by the nose.
"I will not tolerate this Linda you will obey me or die, now pay up you daft bitch"
Linda started to cluck and make strange beeping sounds. Just as Badger was about to punch her lights out he noticed a strange shape at the top of the stairs, and to his horror the shape moved into the light.
There at the top of the stairs was Inspector Betty Nut completely naked apart from a feather on his arm sitting on a greased baking tray.
"Ahoy Badger look out I am the Internet Hen and you will soon feel my information superhighway like wrath". With that nut tweeted and launched himself from the top step. Badger was bemused and neatly stepped out of the way to see a frantic nut colliding with the wall killing himself stone dead.
"Ho Ho Ho you fool nut now I shall have my was with this tart"
Badger cried. Before he could pummel poor Linda he heard a chilling clucking sound. He looked round in horror to see a ten foot digitised hen waddling towards him. He started to run away but the bird caught him with one mighty electronic flap. The bird sounded one last cluck and pecked Badger to death. Linda gave a long drawn out rasping sound and launched herself onto the back of the bird who seemed quite happy to take its insane load. The bird descended the steps of the bar and waddled up to Linda's egg terminal. Linda got off the bird and watched in glee as the egg split open to reveal a tiny electronic chick. She felt herself crying as the two birds flapped off down the phoneline to more tiresome adventures.
"bye bye hens bye bye, buck buck beep sob sob"
Betty Nut and the case of the robotic spy cod
Chapter 1 : The bitch
"The bloody scheming, rotten, bitch. That two faced pizzle nosed trollop. The rabid, mangy, fat arsed ratbag" Nut screamed. He was standing in his living room holding a picture of his wife Bert. It had been a tough few weeks for Nut after his wife had left him. He can remember that day as if it were yesterday. He had come back from work cheerful that the day had gone well. This is because he had spent the entire afternoon asleep on the toilet.
As he opened the door to his house he was already loosening his trousers to prepare for a ghastly session of rutting with his filthy wife. He looked around but couldn't find her anywhere. "Bert, Bert where are you my love". Just then he noticed a small note on the t.v. He picked it up and began to read.
"Dear Nut, well I assume by now that you will have come home from work. Let me guess, your pants are round your ankles and your bursting to tell me how you spent the entire afternoon on the toilet to skive off work. You fucking pillock, your so predictable. Well, I've been shagging the binman now for over 10 years and I've decided to leave you. He may be as fat as fuck, have an unbelievably smelly todger and may have breath that smells like a putrefying dead horses head but he thinks I'm great and always buys me chocolates. I hope you can learn to live without me, although it will be hard seeing as I've removed all the money from the bank, stolen all the furniture and run up a massive bill phoning the Australian wank lines. Ho Ho Ho Ta Ta, Bert." After he had finished Nut felt a huge wave of depression come up and kick him in the balls. How could she do it, he'd always been good to her, always bought her presents for her birthday like old wash rags, kitchen equipment and crotch less underwear and he always waited till she was asleep before sticking it up her Garry Glitter, even Cary Grant wasn't that romantic.
The weeks since that terrible event had been awful, coming back to an empty house with only his razz mags for company, oh and kevin, his glove puppet owl. He had decided that the best way to cope with his depression was to throw himself into work.
The next day Nut went in to see Poncy to ask him for any assignments that may get him away from Wigan for a while, he needed to forget. Poncy looked at him, began to blink uncontrollably while emitting a strange chattering sound, and then climbed up onto the desk. Nut looked in horror as Poncy slipped on a pair of ruby red tap dance shoes and began to frantically tap dance on the desk. Poncy looked at Nut and started to sing "Ooooh weee oooh my magic shoooeeoos, they will select for yooouu and assignment that you can dooo". Nut was appalled as Poncy fell into a dead faint from exhaustion and shat himself. He pushed his soiled boss out of the way and noticed a piece of paper attached to the heel of the shoe. Tentatively he pulled if off. "Magic shoe police assignment for Betty Nut, you must go to the remote Scottish fishing village of Clacker Cove and track down the missing robotic spy cod. This fantastic robotic fish was being used in secret government tests when it suddenly veered off course and headed for Scotland. You will go undercover as Hamish Frenum a big bear like bearded buffoon with a liking for fishing. Under Poncy's desk is a huge thick fishermans sweater and a ridiculous felt hat that is covered in dead fish. Go now before its too late".
Chapter 2 - It is to Clacker Cove that I will Rove
Nut donned his hat and his sweater and climbed in his car preparing himself for his trip to Scotland. The sweater was so thick and heavy though that after a few miles he stank like an unwashed ringpiece, still it was only Scotland so he didn't think it mattered. After a long drive he eventually pulled up outside his police owned farmhouse. It was situated a few miles from the village centre and would make an ideal base for general planning and scheming. He opened the door to the house and was amazed at how cold it was, his todger immediately shrank to the size of a small smelly hairy walnut. He raced over to the fire and started it going. As he was settling down, there was a sharp knock on the door. Nut got up and opened the door. There in the freezing cold was an old Scottish man with a fucking massive amount of ginger hair.
"Och Aye stranger, I am the Clacker Cove hermit who lives in a turnip, kneep kne
ep". Nut smiled a really sickly grin and invited the old fucker inside. As he pa
ssed Nut his horrible mat of stinking highland hair touched Nuts neck immediately bringing him out in a appalling rash. The hermit sat down by the fire, got his pipe out and began puffing away stopping only to emit a series of shrill whistles from his sagging arse. After two hours of this the hermit turned to Nut and began to speak. "Hoots man, from my turnip by the sea I've been seeing some strange things these past few weeks, people in boats coming and going, odd splashing noises and then last night two naked people riding on what looked like a robotic fish". "Whhhatttt!" Nut cried, he grabbed hold of the hermit and started to violently shake him. "Tell me more old fool or I will kick the shit out of you". The hermit smiled at Nut and asked him to follow. After an hour of walking Nut found himself staring with horror at a cliff overlooking the sea front. There reflecting in the moonlight was a huge turnip, hollowed out to make a home for the repellent red haired hermit. Upon seeing his home the hermit gave a sharp squeal and launched himself towards the turnip. Nut gave chase and was soon inside the hermits vegetable dwelling. The hermit prodded Nut in the side telling him to look out on the sea. Nut could just make out two figures splashing about in the water, they seemed to be naked and riding on top of some strange object. Nut looked round at the hermit and he provided Nut with a telescope made out of a cucumber. What Nut saw through that salad adornment optical enhancement device made his stomach churn. There sitting upon a robotic fish were his wife Bert and the binman, Les DeBudgie, they were both naked and Bert was laughing as she gave the repellent refuse collecting wife stealer a hand shandy while he filled her treacherous maw with chocolates. The hermit, noticing Nuts anger put a scrawny stinking arm around him and tried to cheer him up.Nut however, was inconsolable and thundered out of the hermits turnip to try and solve the mystery.
Chapter 3 - The Plot Thickens
After leaving the turnip, Nut under the guise of Hamish Frenum roared down the cliff path to the beach. As he arrived he quickly sashayed behind a rock to witness the awful scene of mechanised piscian betrayal. Les gave an awful sickening cry as he spent his wad over Berts hand, she chuckled and then pressed a button on the fishes head. There was a series of whirrs and clicks as the fish splashed onto shore.
"Thanks Bert, you keep doing that and I'll keep you in chocolates for years" Les muttered.
"Oh don't mention it, when we sell this fish to that filthy French terrorist Monsieur Jean Florretes we'll have more money than you can shake a stick at"
Nut felt a rage rise within himself. Les De Budgie and his wife were obviously operating as international smugerlers for various criminal organisations. They must of found a really weird way of controlling the fish and were arranging to sell it to one of the worlds most feared and hated villains. Florretes was a member of the notorious Cribbage gang, who would ride through the streets of Paris on the backs of motorised snails shooting old women, if they got hold of the fish who knows what would happen, Nut would have to stop them, he started to hatch a plan.
As Les and Bert were putting on their clothes Nut leapt from behind the rock.
"Hoots mon, och aye the noo, with a rootin tootin too"
Les and Bert both looked disgusted at this bearded fucker doing the highland fling on the beach. Still, what harm could it do talking to this peculiar local.
Chapter 4 - Nut saves the world
After befriending the couple Nut sat quietly on the beach pretending to be mad. Les turned to Bert tugged on her arm. They both looked out to see and watched as a small boat chugged onto the shore. Nut watched as a dark figure leapt from the boat, it was Florretes. "Hello, my spying British friends, it is I Florretes, where is the fish". Bert stood up and pointed out the fish to Florretes. He squealed with delight and ran up to the fish amazed at its computerised fish like spying powers. "At last, it is mine, with this fish and my army of snails I shall rule the world Ha Ha Ha Ha". Bert shouted at Florretes and asked him for their money. "Ha Ha you British fools, did you really think that I would give you a penny, I am French and as such am a scheming garlic eating bastard, prepare to die". Florretes then pulled out a gun and pointed it at the couple causing De Budgie to blub like a girl. However, Florretes hadn't seen Nut who had crept away while all this was going on and had recruited the help of the hermit. Before Florrete could pull the trigger Nut and the hermit leapt through the air and kicked Florrete to death. Bert and De Budgie were very grateful. "Thank you old man and bearded fool, you saved our lives, how can we ever repay you". Nut then stood up and laughing like a maniac pulled off his disguise. "I'm afraid my dear there is nothing that you and that traitor can do for me, you were willing to betray Britain's greatest spying fish for money, under Wigans spy laws I sentence you both to be thrashed within an inch of your lives with sea weed and strung up naked on a rock to be pecked to death by parrots". The hermit helped Nut perform the sentence and they both walked off into the sunset towards the hermits turnip, stopping only to laugh out loud as a flock of flesh eating Scottish parrots flew overhead.
Chapter 1 : A brighter future
The year was 1880, the place was Wigan. Betty Nut gave the impression of a man in complete turmoil as he trudged his weary way home from work, as a Sewer Maintenance Man. His huge great hobnailed wellies were caked in shite, and he reeked from head to foot like a disease ridden latrine. He opened the door of his tiny little shack, and walked in to greet his wife Bert. Nut still hadn't got used to the sight that met him every night when he got home. Bert was an eight foot tall hunchback, completely bald with eight webbed fingers on each hand. She had a club foot, a grotesque misshapen bulbous head, and her skin was clammy and shiny like the back of a midget who had just been run over by a herd of badgers. She was no looker that's for sure.
When she saw Nut emerge through the door, her awful lop sided mouth yawned open, to reveal a sticky black mess of rotten teeth.
"Hello dear, nice day in the sewer". Nut smiled back at her, despite her being truly repellent to look at, she had the heart and personality of an angel.
"Fucking shite darling, absolute bloody misery from start to finish, nearly got me fucking arse bitten off by a huge great crocodile, bastard. What's for dinner sweetheart". Bert's head fell, "I'm afraid its rats arse stew again!".
As the couple both sat down to their rodent stew, Nut produced a piece of paper for Bert to read.
"Hello peasants, got no money, poor as a church mouse with a large mortgage, couldn't save up enough money to buy a sprout? Then come to America, have your own land, and swank about like smarmy silus the swanky spiffing salacious swine from Sheffield".
Bert looked back at Nut with hope in her awful black eyes. Silus Pinkerpeep was notorious around Sheffield for having lots of cash and doing lots of swanking. He once spent five hundred pounds on a prussian blue top hat, made out of a goats beard.
If only they could attain such wealth, Nut wouldn't have to wade through other peoples shit anymore, and Bert could do what she had always wanted to do, raise horses and chew tobacco. Nut spoke to Bert in a quivery high pitched wine "Lets go, lets do it, we'll sell up here get our ticket and then we'll kiss this shithole of a town goodbye and say hello to America".
Bert wrapped her huge ape like arms around Nut and cried, "Oh, Betty I love you, come with me my dear and I'll let Mr. Holmes enter Baker Street via the tradesman's entrance".
The following day Nut sold their house and all their worldly possessions for one pence and a one eyed fruit bat named Harold. The bat was thrown in as a goodwill gesture from Mr. Biffo the local pet shop owner, who had just bought their house. The terrible threesome were sailing from Liverpool later that week on the Splash Cat, salty shit ship of the stupendously stupid Captain Sebastian Sausage.
The voyage over to America was not a pleasant affair. Their captain was bloody useless, he couldn't read a map, couldn't read a compass and couldn't sail to save his life. Coupled with this was the fact that he didn't just have a peg leg, he had a peg body. His entire lower half had been blown away by a pirates cannon ball and had been replaced by an enormous clothes peg. The crew would peg him up on the rigging during the day and then take him down at night, or when it looked like it was about to start raining. However, they were all saved from a certain watery death by Bert, who was gifted with an uncanny sense of direction. She would stand on the deck giving orders to the crew, while the captain was pegged out drying everyone's underwear. Harold would keep watch in the crows nest while Nut was given responsibility for the shit bucket.
After what seemed like an eternity Nut was awoken from his slumber by an excited squeaking. He opened his eyes to see Harold flapping about spitting bits of half eaten pear into his hair. Nut started to shriek, he was terrified of pears, "Ooooyah, who dare, who dare, spit the pear in my hair". Bert was awoken and roared out of bed, "Wait Betty, forget the pear, forget your hair, look over THERE!!!". Nut stopped his ranting and followed Bert's finger, he jumped off the bed (making a star shape) and started to sing with joy "We're here, we're here!!"
Chapter 2 : Yankee doodley doodley doo
Bert, Nut and Harold eventually left the Splash Cat after a tearful farewell. They stood on the docks while the ship sailed off, only to see Captain Sausage direct the boat into a reef causing it to sink with all its crew to a terrible watery death. Poor old Captain Sausage, what a bloody shit sailor, if only he could have got anyone to buy his weird idea, the tumble dryer, he and his crew could have been saved. An idea he got from being left out by his crew when it was raining.
Nut and his entourage strolled into the New Arrivals hut on the side of the dock. Nut peered over the New Jobs section but there was fuck all available. He was about to walk out when Bert's thick, stinking, misshapen arm snaked out and wrenched him back. "Look darling, look!". There was a tatty little note pinned up on one of the walls, Nut started to read "Wanted : Yankee Doodley Doodely Doo Town Sheriff. Must have a poor record on personal hygiene, will be required to shoot villains, gunslingers and wear incredibly itchy coyote hair chaps. Comes with a pleasant three bedroom flat above jailhouse, seven horses and a year supply of chewing tobacco". Nut was unsure, he and his ancestors before him had always worked in the shit removal business, he didn't know whether crime fighting was for him, Bert and Harold persuaded him though. Reluctantly Nut took the piece of paper from the wall and went over to the awful smelly piss ridden old man by the desk. "Erm, I'm interested in the Sheriffs job, in Yankee Doodley Doodley Doo Town, is the job still going". To Nuts horror the old man started to cackle, he leapt from his desk revealing the awful truth that he was completely naked from the waist down. He grabbed hold of a banjo from behind the desk, gave Nut a wink, stamped his foot three times on the floor and dropped dead. Nut stood in shocked silence, his teeth chattering. Slowly from the dark behind the desk a figure emerged, it was the old mans wife. She was a tiny three foot tall old woman with a face like a warthogs scrotum. She was a kindly old woman though and sat the three chums down. "Well, he darn well went and did it, the silly old fool. He said that if anyone was stupid enough to apply for that job he would dance butt naked and sing like a stuck pig, I guess the stress was too much for his old ticker."
"What is so bad about the job old widow" Nut sensitively asked.
"Yankee doodley doodley doo town is in gold rush territory, its a big stinking den of hoodlums, hoodwinks and hoars. The town is run by Albert Badger and his gang of gold hunting gobshites. The last sheriff in the town lasted two hours before he was kicked to death by Badgers iron clog wearing Dutch assassin Anders Van De Flanders. Its no place for a man, his wife and their bat".
Nut was inclined to agree with her but something inside him stirred. He had spent his whole life sweeping shit, killing rats and crocodiles, this was his first chance to make something of himself. He told the old woman that they would be taking the job and she reluctantly gave them the keys for the jailhouse.
"Good luck you three, I'm just going to feed my husband to the pigs"
Bert smiled at Nut and although he admitted that Berts smile was abhorrent enough to drive many a man to lose their minds, he knew she was proud of him. "My dearest Sheriff Nut, you truly are a Wild West Wanker"
Chapter 3 : I Am The Law
It was early evening when the trio arrived at Yankee Doodlee Doodlee Doo, they cautiously surveyed the town. It was all shit caked shacks apart from Mo Browns Saloon, which was full to bursting with hoars, drunkards, gunfighters and rather curiously a mole, wearing a turnip with one of his paws replaced by a doorknob. Bert shook Nut and pointed over to their jailhouse. It was fairly run down with an old tattered sign over the door just recently painted which read "Sheriff Nut, RIP - AB". Nut looked worried but Bert just thundered up to it and tore the sign down. "Don't let those thugs bother you Betty, we'll bring law to this festering shit pit if it kills us". Somehow the last part of Bert's speech didn't seem to allay Nuts fears. When they got inside the jail there were three hooks pinned up on the wall. Hanging from each were a hat, a pair of coyote hair chaps and a sheriffs badge. Harold was first to try his on, giving an excited squeak. The squeak soon turned to pain though as the chaps rubbed the shit out of his little bat thighs. Nut decided that Harold could forego that particular part of the attire.
All three looked at one another in triumph, what a team they would make, a ninny, a repulsive mutant and an optically challenged fruit bat (with pathetically sensitive thighs). They decided to pay a visit to Mo Browns to introduce themselves to the town. When they pushed open the swing doors of the saloon everything went deadly silent. Nut was first to speak, he tried to sound manly but was so nervous his voice came out a shrill twitter "
Chapter 4 Full Moon Showdown at Moe Browns Hoedown
That evening was a stressful affair for Nut, he spent it in a paralysed sweating panic, his cowardly bottom regularly soiling the bed clothes along with Bert's horrendous humped back. When morning arrived Nut was ashen faced and pallid.
"Oh crivens Bert, what am I going to do? All I've done in my life is look after Sewers. Badger is a viscous killer."
Bert looked calmly at Nut, and gave him a hug.
"Oh Betty, I'll be here for you don't worry, no one will harm you with me and Harold around"
Nut looked down at the ground in shame, his wife and Harold were prepared to die for justice, while he just shat the bed like a twat. So, he took a deep breath, put on his chaps and prepared himself for the evening.
When the time arrived, Bert, Nut and Harold walked over to Moe Browns. The bar was deserted, no-one would dare enter the place tonight of all nights. They sat down and Nut nervously poured out three glasses of Moe Browns whiskey (Nut was sure it was Moe's piss). No sooner had they sat down to drink it, when the doors of the saloon flew open. There standing in the moonlight was Badger, Flanders and ten of Badgers henchmen. Badger was a fucking ludicrous shape. He was seven feet tall, unfortunately six foot 11 inches of this were his legs only, this was followed by a half inch body and a stupid thin head. He roared at Nut as soon as he saw them.
"So this is the stinkin Sherrif who shot my man, what's the matter law man, not enjoyin' the Hoe Down?"
Nut stood up trembling with fear "Erm, I don't think anyone really feels like dancing"
"Well I know someone who'll be dancin lawman. Flanders here is goin to dance all over your head, and when he's finished with you he's gonna bugger your bat and scalp your repulsive wife, yee haa" Badger replied.
Nut was horrified to see one of Badger's men approach the piano and start to play. Flanders then started to do a manic tap dance with his metallic kill clogs on. This was too much for Nut and his arse gave way. There was a shrill rasping sound, followed by three loud claps, after which Nut shit himself.
Badger roared with laughter and ordered Flanders to attack. Flanders started to shriek, kicking his feet in the air, moving closer to the trio. Nut was trembling and shouted "Erm, stop or I'll shoot", he then reached for his gun, only to find with horror that Harold had forgotten to pack the guns.
"Fucking hell Harold, you stupid bastard, you forgot the guns, we're doomed!!"
Harold squeaked his apology and bravely flapped off to do battle with Flanders. However, no sooner had he approached Flanders, than he was killed stone dead with a clog blow to his little bat chin.
Nut shrieked in anger "Harold NO, you Dutch bastard".
Nut then launched himself at Flanders in a whirl of anger, his fists pumping, only to be met by another clog, which kicked half his brain in.
What happened next was to go down in Wild West history. Bert had seen the two loves of her life tragically wounded within a few seconds of one another, and now a terrible rage filled her grotesque frame. With a roar she flew at Flanders. He tried to kick out at her, but her massive arms grabbed him and beat him to a bloody pulp. Badger was shocked and ordered his men to attack, however, when he looked around they had all fainted.
"You cowardly bastards", he cried as Bert thundered over to him, and shoved both his legs up his arse. Bert then fell to the floor and crawled over to her beloved, who was in his last death throes.
"Oh Betty, please don't die, don't leave me, there are two of us who need you now" she pleaded. Nut weakly replied, "Wh-what do you mean my love, two of you?"
Bert was sobbing, "I'm up the duff my darling Nut, in the club. I've a bun in my oven. My furrow has been plowed and a seed is growing in its damp cleft"
Nut smiled, grabbed Berts eight webbed fingers and whispered in her ear. "Bert, I didn't realise. I'm so sorry but I don't think I'm going to make it. Please go back to Wigan and make sure our child never goes near a turd ridden sewer. I want it to fight crime, uphold peace, protect the innocent and … Aaarrrghhhh!".
Berts hand accidentally slipped while cradling her husbands ruined head and what remained of his brains got squashed on the floor and he died in agony.
A few weeks after the tragedy, Bert was ready to travel back to England, she had been in touch with her father, who needed a bouncer for his brothel. She had decided to uphold her late husbands wishes, and leave the town that had changed the course of her life in such a terrible way. As her coach waited, she walked over to two small graves set by the jailhouse, laying a few flowers on the bigger one and a mouldy pear on the other. As the coach vanished into the sunset, little was Bert to know that inside her grew the first in a long line of appallingly shit crime fighters.
Betty Nut and the Arses of Navarone
Chapter 1 : Cider with a buffoon
PC Betty Nut was in a joyous mood. The past year had been traumatic for everyone, the war was still going on with no end in sight, and people's morale was at an all-time low. Yet today was a day to be cheerful, the sun was out, and the small village of Peeksville was in full bloom. Nut was doing his regular cycle through the village and was off to meet his sweetheart Sally Whistle. She was a local girl, known throughout the village for her beauty and charm. Today would be the day Nut would pop the question.
He would bend down on one knee, look deep into her eyes and ask if they could consummate their relationship in one of Farmer Smith's haystacks. As he wound his way down the small country lanes, he caught sight of his beloved making daisy chains for small rabbits. He cycled up to her, hopped off his bike and wrapped his arms around her.
"Hello Sally, its a fantastic day isn't it, why don't you come for a quick ride with me" Nut said innocently, Sally completely unaware of Nut's scheming.
"Ok Betty, I'll just hop on the front of the bike and we can ride down the lanes together" she cried. Lifting her onto the bike, the couple rode off cheerfully whistling as the cool breeze rushed past them. Nut felt so happy he began to hum, and then to sing "Dum, dum, de, do, de, Raindrops keep falling on my head"
"Watch out Betty, you're going to hit that fucking shed" Sally cried.
Nut was horrified. About half a mile away there was a tiny shed just off the road. The couple closed their eyes, and after 10 minutes of frantic cycling shot off the road and ploughed straight into it.
"Aaarrgh, we're done for, I'm sorry Sally, I love you" Nut cried, his feminine shriek enough to turn many a man's stomach, but not Sally. "Oh Betty, you may be the most pathetic policeman I've ever met, but I love you too, goodbye my love, aaarrggh"
The bike thundered through the side of the shed and landed in an enormous haystack on the other side. Sally landed softly in the hay, but Nut was rather less fortunate. Some idiot had left an enormous cider bottle in the haystack, and Nut landed squarely on it, clattering his balls on the spout.
"Oooyah, my pods, I've think I've busted them" Nut cried He started to writhe about in the haystack, cursing his bad luck and thinking it was perhaps a good idea to put his plan for bedding Sally off for a while, or at least until his gonads stopped swelling.
"Oh Betty are you all right, I thought we were done for back then, are you hurt?"
"No [cough] I'll be all right Sally, [bloody hell], could we just go off to the local for a quick drink, I think I've erm, hurt my knee" Nut squeaked.
"Erm OK Betty but won't Sergeant De Quim be cross if he knows you're in the pub" Sally inquired.
"No it's Wednesday Sally, Sergeant De Quim always spends Wednesday tinkering on his steam-powered mechanical fox"
So the pair dusted themselves off from the haystack, and walked off to the Strangled Duck for a quick drink. Once inside Nut strolled up to the bar and rang the bell. A strange musical sound whirred into action and Elaine Smith (Farmer Smiths wife and sister), slowly appeared from the cellar on a platform, held up by her one eyed son Gerald. She was a stout woman, very squat and appalling to look at. Her huge great ham shank arms lifted up and thundered onto the bar.
"Why PC Nut and Sally, how lovely to see you both, let me pour you both some lovely beer" she chuckled.
"Erm, Mrs Smith could you give me something other than Old Blunderbuss, maybe something a little weaker" Nut whispered. The last time he had a pint of Old Blunderbuss he had woken up a month later completely naked, tied to the back of a pantomime horse, on a ship bound for Jamaica.
"Oh yes PC Nut, I've got a special case of Whistling Ponce fizzy gripe water for you" she thundered, causing a series of sniggers to emerge from the pub. "Erm thanks Mrs Smith, how much do we owe you" Nut replied.
Before Mrs Smith could say anything a tall dark figure emerged from the dominos table.
"I'll get that my good woman" the man replied, his thin wispy voice almost hypnotic.
"Erm thank you, Mr, erm do I know you?" Nut replied
"No we haven't met, my names Babbage, Crispin Babbage, I'm from the MOD" the man extended his hand, placing it firmly in Nut's. What amazed Nut was that the man was standing more than 15 feet away from him.
"Erm, my names Nut, Betty Nut and this is my wonderful lady friend Sally."
"Pleased to meet you both, although I did overhear the bar lady call your name Mr.Nut. As I've just mentioned I'm from the MOD, and am here on business. I'm sorry Sally but could I speak with you boyfriend alone for a moment, it is of the utmost urgency."
Sally looked concerned, but after a nod from Nut she smiled and quickly sank her pint. "Ok I'll see you later on Betty, I'm back at the school in half an hour anyway, bye"
"Goodbye Sally, I'll come round to see you later."
"I very much doubt that Mr Nut," replied the man. "I very much doubt that."
Chapter 2 : Mission Improbable
"What do you mean, you doubt it?" Nut cried.
"Please Mr Nut, I have come here for a reason, a matter of the utmost national security. I cannot say what it is just now, but must insist that you come back with me to Farnborough for a debriefing. This order has come directly from Churchill himself, and could be pivotal in the war effort."
Nut was astonished, why would a man come all the way to his little village, to ask him to help in the war. He thought he had avoided conscription by spending an entire week with one ear in a glass of water, so as to claim he couldn't fight due to partial deafness. He hated to admit it, but he was a terrible coward and would soil himself at the slightest hint of trouble. But what could he do? This was an order directly from Churchill himself.
"Why me Mr. Babbage, what could I possibly offer?" Nut muttered, his voice already trembling.
"Ah Mr. Nut, your modesty does you justice. We need your unique skills, your incisive brain and most of all your ability to think on your feet in a pressure situation."
Nut was flattered, he must have heard about he had got Mrs Evan's cat down from the vicarage tree last month, by cleverly lobbing a conker in its face. Granted the cat died immediately but hey, this war needed people to think on their feet.
Babbage tapped Nut on the shoulder, he seemed to have gone into a trance-like state, and was puffing his chest out and flexing his muscles.
"Erm, Mr. Nut, we must make haste, we leave today" Babbage cried
"But, I can't just up and leave, what about my job, what about Sally?" Nut cried.
"That will all be sorted out Mr.Nut, come we must go, a car is waiting for us outside."
Nut was horrified, he didn't know what this secret mission was, he had no idea how long the mission was for, and he hadn't mentioned anything to Sally. Confused he followed Mr.Babbage out of the pub.
As the two figures left, ace SAS operative "Incisive, brave as a lion, thinks on his feet" Captain Betty Nut lay slumped in a corner, a pint of Old Blunderbuss by the side of him. Mrs Smith was removing his clothes, and whispered down to Gerald:
"Quick get the pantomime horse ready Gerald, and the Jamaica tickets. I'll meet you around the back in ten minutes."
Meanwhile, Nut climbed in the back of the car and was driven off at speed. Not one word was spoken during the journey, leaving Nut even more nervous when they arrived at HQ.
"Follow me Mr.Nut, I want you to meet the man in charge of this operation. He will give you a debriefing and hopefully answer any of your questions." Babbage led Nut out of the car, and into a large grey oppressive building that was situated just in front of the car.
Once inside, they walked down several corridors and eventually arrived in a small meeting room. The room had an enormous oak table in the middle of it, and a number of chairs around the outside. Sitting at the end of the table was the rather imposing figure of the mission leader, General Percy Pontefract.
"General, may I introduce our latest recruit, Betty Nut."
"Ah, Mr. Nut, Betty Nut, B.Nut, Mr.BN, eh? well speak up man, damn your eyes sir we're fighting a war, Germany you say, what, what, maybe its because I'm a Londoner, please be gentle with me Arthur, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzzy bee, buzzy bee?" the General blustered, his face becoming purple with rage.
As if on cue, a small door in the meeting room opened and a nurse emerged, her face painted like a clown. She strode up to the general and stuck two electrodes in his back. Nut peered into the room she had just emerged from, and could just make out a strange white figure, scuttling around the floor like a beetle. The Nurse gave a signal to the figure, and a low buzzing sound emerged from the electrodes. The General started to convulse, his eyes bulging out of their sockets, whilst the Nurse stood over him. Eventually there was an awful popping sound from the General's ancient back, followed by a blast of rancid gas from his sagging anus, after which he slumped onto the table unconscious.
The nurse quickly gathered the equipment, and without even glancing at Nut, opened the door and left. A short while afterwards the General shot bolt upright in his chair
"Ah, Mr.Nut, pleased to meet you, my name is General Pontefract, and it is my job to debrief you, please take a seat."
Nut nervously sat down, and watched as Babbage left the meeting room.
"Now then Mr.Nut, as you are most probably aware, this great country of ours is at war with Germany. So far the Germans have had the measure of us. We are losing the war Mr.Nut. All over Europe, countries are falling to the Nazis. A few months ago, one of our operatives in France heard some terrifying news. Count Albert Von Badger, one of Hitler's most respected scientists, was in Paris for a holiday. Our operative, posing as a trumpet-playing cafe lounger, overheard a conversation of his, while he was devouring an assortment of pastries.
Count Von Badger is a master of ballistics, and was discussing plans to build a series of giant guns capable of firing shells over the English Channel and onto London. At first we thought such a feat would be impossible - until recently, that is."
The General shoved a brown envelope over to Nut. The envelope was marked Top Secret, and at the General's request he tentatively opened it.
"These photographs were taken by a local fisherman, in the small village of Dans Le Maison. He had noticed an increase in German personnel, around the cliffs of doom, and decided to take his boat around to have a look. As you can see from the pictures, there is clear evidence of a number of large structures being built on the cliff tops. There appear to be three of them, one of which is already complete."
Nut was staring at the photographs, unable to believe his eyes. The photograph could have been taken on any pleasant sunny day: the sea was calm, the cliffs themselves rising up proudly from the ocean - but there at the top of the rocks was a series of squat, ugly, smoke-black structures. The one that was finished filled Nut with deep horror. It was an enormous cast-iron arse.
Chapter 3 : Killing a number of fools with one bouncing bomb
General Pontefract let the image settle into Nut's mind, before speaking up. "As you can see, Nut, Count Von Badger is building a series of giant guns shaped like arses. Our experts have studied the picture and have confirmed from their size, and barrel aperture - or, if you like, the bum-hole - they will be capable of firing a shell towards any point in Britain. You now understand our problem. And now for the solution."
Nut started to panic, he still couldn't believe that a few hours ago he had been happily planning the deflowering of his sweetheart, and now he was stuck in a room with a half-mad General, who was telling him that he would soon be blown up by a German arse. What could they possibly want him for?
"I take it you've heard of Barnes Wallis, Mr.Nut?" the General inquired.
"Erm, yes, sir, he invented the bouncing bomb."
"Yes he did indeed, but did you also know he had an assistant working with him on the project, who had come up with an idea even more revolutionary? Mr. Nut, may I introduce Professor Peter Smith?"
Nut stared bemused as the Professor entered the room. He was a tall thin man, as bald as a coot, and remarkably bland apart from a pair of jet black spectacles perched on the end of his crook-like nose.
Nut noticed at once that the Professor was making strange bouncing movements, and upon looking at him directly burst out laughing. The Professor must have had a very unfortunate eye complaint, because the glass in his spectacles made one eye appear as a tiny little grain of sand, whilst the other was as large as a dinner plate.
"Erm, ha, ha, pleased to meet you, ha, haaaa, Professor," Nut sniggered.
The Professor and the General were not amused.
"I can see that my appearance amuses you Mr.Nut. I was once a fine-looking fellow with a full head of hair, until I met Mr.Wallis. His brilliance left me racked with envy, causing all my hair to fall out and buggering my eyes up. I picked up a nervous bounce, and ironically my wife recently left me for a football manufacturer in Huddersfield. So, Mr.Nut, laugh away, even though it is through my brilliance that we shall all be saved from the arse bombs."
Nut felt deflated. This man had gone through hell, and here he was laughing at the poor chap. Filled with remorse he started to apologise. However as soon as he raised his head, he started to laugh again, so hard that he passed out.
Ten minutes later he awoke to find that a full-scale model of Dans Le Maison was set up on the table.
"Ah Nut. Good of you to join us" the General sternly said. The Professor was seething in the corner.
"Right then let me explain, if you've finished laughing that is. We need to find some way of destroying these guns. However, German patrols around the area are impenetrable, they have powerful anti-aircraft batteries, and the waters are patrolled by U-boats for miles out to sea."
"But how the bloody hell are we going to get anywhere near them?" Nut cried.
The Professor started to make a strange smug mewling sound. "Ah Mr.Nut, not so funny now am I, need my strange eyed, bouncing help do we," the Professor crowed.
"Erm, yes," Nut said quietly.
"What was that Nut, say pretty please Professor can you help me blow up the German arses, and tell me your eyes are odder than mine."
Nut shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, he looked over to the General, but he had started to have a fit again and was wriggling about in his chair and grunting like a pig.
"Please help me Professor, and yes, my eyes are odder than yours."
"Ha, OK Nut, seeing as you've humiliated yourself in front of me, I will tell you. I have modified Wallis' bouncing design by hollowing out the bomb, so that I can fit a number of people inside it. You and a few chosen individuals will be the guinea pigs, erm, I mean, brave men, who wil climb inside these devices and will be dropped into the sea a number of miles out, silently bouncing into the bay, so that you can defuse the guns."
Nut looked worried, it sounded very dangerous, and he wondered whether the Professor was all there. By now the General had recovered.
"As you can see Nut, the plan is fiendishly clever, we will be dropping you far enough out to avoid detection and because you will be skimming that water, the U-boats won't stand a chance. I'm sure you want to take this mission on single-handed Nut, but brave as you are, we are going to give you some backup. Please meet your associates on the mission."
Nut just gave a little squeak, and watched as a number of people entered the room.
"Meet your weapons specialist: knife man Les Peters. Les, 45, is married to a lovely woman called Shirley and lives in Basingstoke. Les enjoys fishing, and watching the cricket when he gets the chance. He is also a merciless killer with the morals of a sewer rat, who once ate his friend's nose for a laugh. He has a number of pseudonyms, but for this mission he wants to be known as: 'The Goat'"
"Erm, pleased to meet you Mr.Peters," Nut nervously replied. The man said nothing, but walked up to Nut and bristled him with a huge goat's beard that was glued to his chin. Nut squealed "Oooh, you swine, you've chafed my neck". The Goat just bayed at Nut in contempt.
"Good, now for you to meet the explosives expert, Fatty Brown. Fatty is a lard-arse: he is a gigantic blubbery man, who stinks like a dysentery-infected cat, and eats continuously. In his spare time he likes to eat, and sweat. He is also a master of explosives, and will deal a mortal blow to the Fuehrer's metal posteriors of peril. He has no pseudonyms and is quite happy being called Fatty."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr.Nut" Fatty cried, stretching out a hand to Nut, and showering him with three-day-old bacon fat and sweat.
"Erm, hello Fatty," Nut murmured, his face twisted in a grimace of revulsion.
"And finally, the leader of the group, and intelligence agent: Harry the Squid. Harry is a seven-foot-tall monster, with a great big egg head. He possesses a fierce intellect and a fearless sense of duty and bravery. He is called 'The Squid' due to a strange ability to squirt stinking black ink from his eyes."
"Hello Mr.Squid, aaarrggh what the bloody hell, the bastard just squirted me." Nut squealed. He had reached out to shake Harry's hand when he was blasted with a thick stinking glob of goo from Harry's eyes.
"Do not worry Mr.Nut, all members of my team must be 'inked'. It is part of my ritual," Harry said.
"Erm, OK, thanks," Nut muttered, seething in ink-covered resentment.
"Well that's the debriefing over with gentlemen, the team is all together, let's kick some German iron arse!" the Professor cried, in a vain attempt to create some sort of team spirit.
Nut just sat impassively shitting himself out of fear. He was soon going to be on a mission with a trio of very scary men, on a mission that by all accounts would result in his death. Still he resisted the urge to sneak off through the toilet window, and spend the rest of his life disguised as a sheep dog in Scotland. He had been hand-picked for this mission, so they must have seen he was made of the right stuff. He would go on this mission, and with any luck when he got back to Britain, Sally would be so impressed with him, he would definitely get his card stamped.
Chapter 4 : The Arse Busters
After the Professor had debriefed them, the gang was led by the General to an aircraft hangar. Situated near a Lancaster bomber were two black spheres of metal.
"Ahh gentlemen, your bomb awaits. Please would you take your positions, we have no time for a training mission, or even time to check the safety of any of our equipment. Still never mind, in you go, good luck and God speed, your country is looking up at you with hopeful eyes, the fate of the whole war is on your shoulders. Succeed and you shall remain unknown heroes, sworn to secrecy. Fail and you shall be exposed as spies, executed in public and have all the country's vicars praying your souls rot in hell."
Nut thought he would get the bends, such was the increase in pressure in the hangar. He really thought he was going to pass out. One by one they clambered into the bomb. Nut was unfortunately placed directly between Fatty's legs, and a dank, damp patch was already staining his trousers, where his plums were sweating like crazy. The bomb was eventually sealed and Nut could feel it being rolled onto the plane.
They were all sitting quietly in the darkness when Harry was first to speak up: "Now men, when we reach the target, I will squirt some more stinking ink onto you all."
Nut felt like kicking Harry in the balls. The ink he had on him from before was already stinking so much, Nut thought he was going to vomit.
"The drop should last for a few seconds, followed by our first bounce. Now the Professor has told me that from his limited experiments on rats, the first bounce is so severe, 50% of the rats went mad, 20% soiled themselves, 29% broke every bone in their little rat bodies, and 1% of the specimens escaped unhurt, thus verifying the Professor's methods."
It was quite fortunate that Fatty's horrible thighs were pressing against Nut's ears. If he had heard the odds, he would have reconsidered his Scotland plan at the drop of a hat.
The plane started to taxi down the runway and was soon airborne. The flight lasted for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually the silence was broken by a siren going off.
"Ok men, drop-off time in five minutes. Remember, when we come to rest at the foot of the cliffs we must make our way to the village, the cliff top is far too steep and well guarded. Count Von Badger is expecting a visit from the Bavarian Morris Dance troupe later on this evening. The real dancers were intercepted and viciously murdered last month. We will take their place. Now brace yourselves"
Nut heard the creak of the bomb bay doors, soon followed by his stomach nearly popping through his mouth as the bomb was let go. "Aaaaaarrgggh, please help me Mummy," Nut cried.
This brought a howl of laughter from the Goat, who promised to slice him if he didn't shut up. After a period of about 30 seconds the bomb hit the water. Upon impact Fatty soiled himself (given Nut's seating arrangement, this caused Nut also to soil himself). The Goat was laughing like a lunatic and waving his knife about, and Mr. Squid stood impassively in the corner of the bomb, squirting ink into the air.
They must have been bouncing for over an hour until the bomb eventually came to rest. Nut was drained, he had used his lifetime supply of bouncing up all in one evening.
"OK, men, no one is dead, so lets get out of this bomb and kick some metallic arse!" Mr. Squid's war-cry was met by a resounding raspberry from Fatty, who looked down at his soiled chinos with horror.
The gang piled out of the bomb and changed into their Morris dancing costumes. Once they had donned their flowers, silly hats and tights, they looked like a mean fighting machine.
"Let's head for the arses," Squid cried, motioning his men on with a wave of his bell-covered stick.
Meanwhile, at the top of the cliff, Count Von Badger sat chuckling to himself as he looked through a pair of binoculars. "Ha, ha, ha, those English fools, do they really think they can defeat me." Von Badger then broke into a mad laugh, which culminated in him doing a ten-minute mime routine and an exhausting tap dance. This was made even more tiring seeing as though he was dressed as a sausage. He felt it was fitting that when he sprung his ambush on the British, they would know they had been beaten by the greatest of British institutions, the banger.
He had heard about the plan from his spy in England, Professor Smith. Von Badger had been courting Smith for months, with a promise of revolutionary surgery in Berlin to correct his eyes. Rumour had spread that Smith was in an important position for the government, and had been sending letters secretly to eye hospitals around Europe hoping for a solution to his problem. He had been an easy target, and was willing to betray his country readily when Von Badger promised him an eye correction.
He had contacted Von Badger last week to inform him of a plan to destroy his fantastic iron arse-guns. He had also made a special request, that Von Badger take alive the one known as Nut, and make a special effort to torture him. Von Badger had watched the bomb come bouncing into the bay, and had laughed when they got out, to see that the fat member of their group had shit himself. As they clambered up the hill, Von Badger ordered his men to lay in wait behind the compound gates. Tonight was going to be a great night for Germany, leaving the door wide open for his arses to shower England with a rain of terror.
The group slowly climbed the steep path up the cliff, into the village. Once in the village, Squid ordered them all to start dancing. The four of them started to jig, and slowly made their way up to the compound gates.
Chapter 5 : The breakfast bites back
Squid calmly walked up to the compound door and rapped on it
"With bells on our feet, and sticks in our hand, we're the greatest dancers in all of the land."
A German voice was heard from inside: "Ah, come in at once, the count will see you soon, Morris dancing Bavarians make him over the moon"
The door creaked open and they were beckoned inside. Nut was a bit worried, the man at the door had a suspicious look in his eyes, they were also so close together that they overlapped.
The door slammed shut behind them, and the dark compound was suddenly illuminated by a series of floodlights. The team froze, and from a guard tower, a man dressed as a sausage started to crow, "You English fools, you've swallowed the bait, your pop-eyed Professor has just sealed your fate. Attack, men, attack!"
Squid screamed at his men to scatter. "We've been betrayed, defend yourselves men, we must complete the mission."
Gunfire broke out and Nut ran quickly for cover. As he looked around he could see the Goat attacking the guards. He had taken on all 20 of Von Badger's crack battalion, and to Nut's amazement killed all of them, just using his dancing stick. As he started his victory bay, he was unaware that Von Badger was sneaking up on him. Nut screamed a warning but it was too late. Like a great big cowardly breakfast appendage, Von Badger snuck up on the goat, and stabbed him to death.
Squid saw this and attacked, thundering towards Von Badger across the compound with ink squirting from his eyes. Von Badger looked up in terror and started to rummage around inside the sausage costume. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at Squid.
"Ha, ha, you British fools, I have you now. Listen very carefully, you other two come out of hiding or I will kill your leader."
"Ignore the big fat German twat, men, complete your mission" Squid implored. However in the short time they were together Fatty, Nut and the Goat had come to admire Squid, even though they all agreed that if he squirted ink on them one more time, they would murder him in his sleep.
From Nut's hiding place he could see Fatty, trying desperately to hide inside a barrel. They both looked at each other and exchanged a knowing nod. However Nut wasn't too sure what Fatty meant and shouted across at him, "Fatty, was that a nod that we should come out, or a nod that we should let Squid get shot?"
"What?" cried Fatty "What do you mean liquid gut shot?"
"Oh bloody hell, Fatty get your stupid frame out here." Nut cried
Fatty nodded back at him, and they both walked sheepishly out into the line of fire. Von Badger was clucking like a victorious German hen.
"Buck, buck, I win, cheep, I win, cluck, cluck."
Squid could stand it no longer. "Men, destroy the guns, this is for England." He launched himself at Von Badger, and a single shot rang out. Fatally wounded, Squid landed upon Von Badger pinning him to the ground.
"Squid, noooo" cried Nut. Fatty grabbed him by the arm. "Quick Nut we must get this done, Von Badger is bound to have called reinforcements"
Nut nodded, and they both ran off over to the guns. "I've got the explosives Nut, but whilst I was climbing in the barrel, I buggered up the automatic detonator, I'm going to have to light the blue touchpaper myself. You will follow through with the escape plan, but I am going to have to sacrifice myself and be martyred forever"
"Sounds like an excellent idea," laughed Nut. He was glad Fatty had drawn the short martyr straw earlier on.
Fatty was quickly running around the guns and planting his explosives. Nut then heard Von Badger cry, "Free, free, now for those other two, quickly men". Fatty started to panic.
"Nut, get in the barrel quickly, we've only got a few minutes left"
Nut opened up one of the giant doors on the middle arse and climbed inside. Fatty shut the door behind him and started the firing mechanism.
"Five, four, three, two, one, good luck Nut, FIRE" Fatty cried.
Nut felt a huge rush of air, and then felt himself shoot towards the bum-hole. He had just time to see the metallic cheeks and he was flying through the air.
While this was going on, Von Badger and his men had managed to capture Fatty. "Ha, I win again you fat English pig, quickly men get rid of these bombs." Fatty had to think fast. He remembered the General's fondness for Morris dancing and had a brilliant idea. He slowly started to tap his bell-covered feet.
Von Badger and his men looked at Fatty nervously. "Stop that at once or I will shoot".
Fatty paid no attention and increased the rhythm. "I met a fine young Maiden, down at Buggersworth Fair, I asked her if she'd give me a lock of her hair, but she told me to piss off, and said I smelt like a bear, with a hey nonny, niddle I dee."
The Germans had started to dance, mesmerised by Fatty's warbling. Von Badger too joined in, unable to stop himself.
"I was most put off by her surly reply, and asked her if I could sample her pie, but she whirled round in anger and stuck her thumb in my eye, with a deedle, de, diddle aye doh." Fatty seized his moment. He struck a match and lit the blue touchpaper of the explosives.
"Ahh we are doomed, once the blue touchpaper is lit we must not return to it, until it is out," cried Von Badger, just before he, Fatty and all his men were blown to kingdom come.
Nut heard the distant explosion as he was on his way over the channel, and could just make out a huge cheek from one of the guns blown into the sea, with what looked like a half-dead sausage clinging to its posterior. "Fatty, you did it, I'll make sure England remembers you, and you Goat and you Squid, farewell, farewell."
Chapter 6 : Pitcher in the Hay
Nut must have been sailing through the air for over an hour, but gradually he was coming in to land. Fatty's aiming was truly incredible. He was actually arriving in Peeksville. As luck would have it he was heading straight for a haystack. Remembering what had happened to him previously, he placed his hands over his groin. Chuckling to himself he prepared for impact. However, just a few feet from the haystack a large parrot shot out and started to bite Nut under the armpits.
"Oooyah you bastard parrot " Nut cried, raising his hands in horror. He then realised too late why the parrot had attacked. It had made its home in a giant rusty pitcher that had been left in the hay, and was guarding it with its life. Nut hit the stack, and smashed his entire genital area on the spout of the pitcher.
"Aaarrgh, bloody hell, I've done it again, my poor balls," Nut screamed, the agony all too apparent. The parrot hovered above Nut, crying to see its eggs smashed against Nut's bruised undercarriage.
He wheezed and gasped for breath and eventually staggered out of the haystack. Once his vision had cleared he could make out the figure of a woman running towards him. It was Sally.
"Betty, Betty, you're all right my love" she cried and ran up to him wrapping her arms around him.
"Oh Sally, Sally, I'm so sorry I left without saying anything, it was because ... " Nut was trying to explain when Sally interjected:
"Oh my love, I was told everything by Mr. Babbage. I was surprised at first, them asking you on this mission, because I know how cowardly you are, but I felt so proud I said nothing. Anyway, a few days later Babbage phoned and mentioned that there had been a mix-up and that they'd mistaken you for the man they really wanted for the job. This means that there will be no hero's welcome for you, and due to government embarrassment, if you breathe a word of this you will be shot."
Nut looked deflated.
"What about Fatty, The Goat and Mr. Squid?"
"A statue is being erected in their memory as we speak: the three of them standing in triumph astride a huge German bottom."
This seemed to console Nut. However there was still the small matter of Professor Smith.
"What about that traitor Smith?"
Sally started to giggle. "What's the matter, Sally?" Nut inquired.
"Ironically, he died of food poisoning just the other day. He ate a dodgy squid sausage, ho, ho!"
They both laughed out loud for over an hour, at Smith's poorly constructed joke death. Sally eventually stopped and looked deep into Nut's eyes. "Betty, it doesn't matter if the people don't know your bravery, I know and I love you. And as a special home coming present, you can pop my cherry."
Nut was overjoyed, and they both slunk off into the hay for a bout of premature ejaculation-riddled lovemaking. And soon the air was filled with their awkward inexperienced grunts, interspersed with the sound of puffing steam, coming from Sergeant De Quim's giant steam-powered fox.
An Evening With Monty Finch
Chapter 1 - The Stakes
It was a cold October evening and the main living room of Shatcrack Mansions was alive with anticipation. Mr.Shatcrack Wood, the owner of the house, had died peacfully in his sleep a week ago, and it was time to read the will. Inside, the family had all gathered around a huge table, made entirely out of murdered elephants, and were looking suspiciously at one another. Sitting in a large chair facing them was Sir Les Lorn Les Lorn (Solicitor and possessor of erotic canes). He uncurled a large scroll of paper and started to read.
"I Shatcrack Wood being of sound mindand body do promise to love honour and obey ,ashes to ashes, for the people by the people forever and ever amen. Welcome filthy products of my trecherous gonads, I hope you've all had a pleasant journey and are finding the house to your satisfaction. By now you will all be wondering how much cash your going to get, how much has the old bastard saved over all these years, well I'm afraid its not going to be that easy. You will all have to play a little game in order to get your hands on my capacious fortune. You will be visited later on tonight by a friend of mine called Monty Finch, all you have to do is ask him three questions and find out what he does for a living. Whoever gets the correct answer wins the fucking lot, and jack shit to everyone else. Should you all fail Mr.Finch will reap the rewards"
Sir Les finished and looked at everyone smiling, completely unaware for the first time in his life that he had webbed feet. The first to speak was Missy Wood who leapt up as if possessed by a bat
"Who the crickey is Monty Firth? I mean what is this ridiculous game daddy is playing. I just ..."
Before she could finish, Mr.Leed the butler leapt up and smashed Missy over the head with half a brick killing her stone dead.
"Ahem, listen ere, I will have none of this chittle chattle while I'm butler, your father wanted a quite house and that is what he will get. Now upstairs to your rooms everyone before my half brick goes walking again."
Sure enough this did the trick, everyone quietly shuffled upstairs quietly followed by Missy's widow, Mr.Leed.
Chapter 2 - Visiting Hour
It seemed like hours had passed for Barny and Susan Jones since they bid goodnight to their relations. Susan was Shatcracks second daughter and was, as many had remarked, as lovely as a spring morning but with a bigger arse. Such was Susan's joyous disposition that small birds regularly slept on her nose. She and Barny had been married now for three years and were very happy, regularly getting drunk on the heady wine of their love for one another. They both sat on the bed waiting for the enigmatic Mr.Finch to arrive. Susan was the first to hear it, a slow shuffling sound outside the door.
"Oh heavens, what in the crickey can that be Barney"
"Gosh Susan my arse is flapping like a sheet in October"
There was a loud knock at the door and it swung open. They both gasped as the figure outside came into the room. There was Monty Finch, all one foot of him.
"Hello piss faces, my name is Monty Finch or if you like the demonic dastardly dysentry infected durham dwarf"
Susan shot up and screamed
"Oh golly your so small, you must be a mouse farmer" she then started to giggle uncontrollably.
"No, Susan, I'll bet my bollocks, he's a clam jockey" Barney said laughing so hard his arse was blowing like a trumpet.
"No, No its not that, he's a counter balance for budgies"
With that Mr.Finch smiled "No I'm afraid you are both wrong and your guesses are up, right which one of you wants to shag me"
Susan and Barney both stopped laughing. "What do you mean you repungent little toad" Barney screamed, "You must be joking"
"I'm sorry",Mr Finch replied,"it was in the will only Sir Les is colour blind and it was written in green"
With that Mr.Finch leapt up onto Susans back and commited an act which beggars (and buggers) belief. Barney tried to pull him off but the dwarf had a grip of iron and he could only watch in horror.
"Ho Ho goodbye fools and know the wrath of Finch"
Susan looked at Barney and Barney looked back, knowing that their love had been spoiled by a titch.
Next up on Finch's list were John and Babs Wood. John was Shatcracks only son and was of average build but with a huge puffed up head. His wife was about thirty five and looked like Karl Malden, but with a smaller arse. Babs heard the shuffling and tugged on Johns scrotum. There was a knock on the door and in flew Mr.Finch. Babs took one look and her ears started to flap as she screeched with laughter. John was not far behind and was roaring so hard all his hair fell out
"Oooh he's so squibby he must be a potato ruler" Babs squealed
"No, No he's a stunt double for a pea" John bellowed.
"Ha Ha Ha no he's Robin of Bonsai Sherwood"
Mr.Finch smiled and told them they wrong, he then leapt up onto Johns face and committed a deeply unpleasant act. Babs squealed and tried to pull the little fiend off but he had latched onto John like that thing off Alien. After a few minutes of repulsive squelching the dwarf dropped off and left the room
"Ho Ho ta ta fools"
John sat horrified and looked at Babs knowing that their love had perished.
Monty Finch then proceeded to visit each of Shatcracks children and they all failed to guess his profession. Finch was just about to leave to collect his fortune when a tall lanky figure emerged out of the shadows blocking his path.
Chapter 3 - Fuck me, a bastard
Finch looked offended
"And who the crikey are you lanker"
The tall figure stared at Finch with a look of someone who had just licked a dog's arse.
"I Finch am Thaderick Halfshank, the illegitimate son of Shatcrack Wood. My mother, a fiendish old butchers assistant, was tupped by Mr.Wood forty years ago in Bolton. He greased her clacker valve and buggered off. I was the product of that ungodly union, conceived on the back of a number 19 and born into a world of ham shanks and assorted savouries. My mother never let me forget who my father was and I have been watching him from afar for years. When he popped his clogs I knew it was my chance to cop a load of cash"
The dwarf looked bemused, "You still have to guess my profession though Halfshank, or else suffer the indignity of having my todger in your ear"
Halfshank smiled, "Ah Mr.Finch, while observing my father these past few years I have also observed you. I followed you a few months ago after one of your numerous visits to Mr.Shatcrack. You stayed at the Nags Head overnight and got well oiled at the bar where I overheard your tales and made a note of them. You met my father ten years ago at a party he was holding, you were part of the entertainment and have been friends ever since."
Mr.Finch looked around nervously noticing that the other children were now coming out of their rooms.
"Yes Mr.Finch, you were the entertainment that day and you told the man at the pub what you were doing. You Mr.Finch are a pickle footballer"
With that Mr.Finch squealed and cowered in the corner causing Thaderick to emitt a triumphant bellow.
"Success I am rich, rich Ha Ha Ha Ha"
Thaderick strode off leaving Mr.Finch on the floor.
"Ooooh how did he ever find out, my fortune has gone"
With a deep sigh, Finch started crying and dissapeared down a mouse hole forever.
Crivens, call the police I demand a recount.
My wife had recently been for her haircut and asked if she could have an "Ann Robinson". However when she came home imagine my horror to find her hair had been replaced by a huge unsightly ginger mushroom.