The Real Bible Code
Hitherto undeciphered secret messages in various things, miraculously decoded by throwing away all the original words and inserting the ones that make up the secret message. Er.
Yes, due to the success of that other fellow who stole the idea I've decided to go ahead and publish the result of my own incredible cryptography research. As you've probably noticed he found a number of 'startling' revelations in the text of the God Book by a simple process of mangling a group of carefully selected letters until it came out the way he wanted. Well I invented it first, except I decided to apply it to popular culture instead. It's astonishing how many band names, TV programmes etc. turn out to contain carefully encoded ironic messages to God's creation when you look hard enough.
|Mother Teresa||Oh, I see. I spend my entire life doing good works, helping the starving and curing sick children at great personal risk to myself, and then just because I have the misfortune to snuff it just after Her Holy Split-Crotch-Pantiness, I get completely ignored. Right. Well at least I know where I stand. You bastards. In the next life I'm coming back as a plague bacillus.|
|John Travolta||Yes, you all thought my career was finished, you bastards, because every time a casting director thought of me he saw my absurd white flares in Saturday Night Fever. But aaahhh! I've had the last laugh, because now I star in highly successful films like Broken Arrow. You thought my repertoire consisted solely of dancing around stupidly with a vacant grin on my face, well you were wrong, I don't do that anymore (except in Pulp Fiction where it was obviously ironic). And it's all due to Scientology. People who are in Scientology are not gullible fools, they are very intelligent. Ask Nicole Kidman.|
|Tom Cruise||Even though my real name is Thomas Mapother, I am very hard and tough. No, honestly. Provided my opponent is no taller than, say, five foot two, I'll whip his ass. Probably. Except I can't actually fight anyone, because my cheeky grin is insured for ten million sponduliks. But I make sure any contract I sign includes a provision for me to beat somebody up, get the girl and ride a motorbike into the sunset with a moody expression on my finely-chiselled features. So don't start taking the piss out of Scientology, it's a good religion. It is. Ask John Travolta.|
|Oasis||Hello everyone I'm Noel Gallagher, fear not for you will be seeing my sneering pop-eyed Mancunian visage everywhere for the rest of your lives, staring out of album covers and Select magazine. You cannot escape from my evil genius, which appears to consist largely in copying the chords to Beatles songs out of busking books without paying for them, then running out of the music shop and sniggering all the way to the bank. And if I'm not available, say I've gone to the toilet, my coke-crazed, Kensit-banging kid brother will make your life a misery instead. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.|
|Supergrass||Ha ha I bet loads of people will be tricked into thinking sideburns are really cool and trendy, and be humiliated in front of their friends when they realise big sideburns still make you look like a wazzock, and always have done. Unless you're a British Rail conductor in the 1970's, and even then you're on dodgy ground.|
|Hanson||A kind of makeshift anal cork for the field treatment of severe, crippling diarrhoea.|
|Tomorrow's World||Isn't science fantastic, even though simple folk like you and me (yes, we're just like you, except with more money and some interesting friends) can't really understand it? However, this won't stop us doing reports for other programmes about how dangerous and bad science is, especially anything to do with the Internet or cloning.|
Thanks to Louise for helping me develop the decryption algorithm and for her sterling translation work.