Curmudgeon Mocking Area

  • Over the years Moose Mansions has amassed something of a collection of curmudgeons. But even we have to bow down and wail 'We're not worthy!' before the majesty of amihotornot.com. Now it must be said that looking like a curmudgeon is one thing. But looking like a massive curmudgeon and sending your own photograph into a Web site and inviting the public at large to mark you out of 10 is something rather different, and in any sensible society would be punishable by beating to death. Many thanks to Dave White for bringing this offender to our attention:

    [ PICTURE: Is he hot or what? WHAT ]

    You think that looks bad? Click to see the full horror.

  • Dave also came across (we hope not literally) this worrying man:

    [ PICTURE: Where are John Gummer's kids when you need 'em?

    He appears to be eating an escalope of raw veal in some sort of EU-related protest. But if I were him (and fortunately I amn't) I'd be more worried about the duck that appears to be eating me, head first.

  • It must be something about the Amiga. This week, courtesy of the Inedible Buddhas, a rich crop of curmudgeons from #amiga:

    [ PICTURE ] [ PICTURE ] [ PICTURE ] [ PICTURE ]

    So. Are you an Amiga owner or obsessive fan? Do you frequent IRC? Are you a terrifying curmudgeon, scary geek or simply a ranting, dribbling paranoid maniac like Terry Cooksey? If you answered mostly 'Yes', then Moose Mansions wants to hear from you. Be a curmudgeon informer! Fabulous prizes to be won! Nominate your frightening fellows and for every valid curmudgeon we receive YOU will win one of the following TOP QUALITY prizes: a 1991 BMW 3-series with fuel injection and under-car UV strobe lighting, a weekend for two in the breathtaking resort of Phat Wang in Thailand, or a scuffed AOL free trial CD, heavily marked with coffee rings (depending on availability).

  • [ PICTURE ]

    Welsh pharmaceutical maven David J. Temple. Some sort of facial topiary award is clearly in order.

  • [ PICTURE ]

    Utah politician Andrew McCullough. Brrrr.

  • [ PICTURE ]

    Watch and jewellery expert Burley Bullock, who if he hadn't been blessed with such a curmudgeonly face would have been straight in at the Ímplausible Names entrance, big style.

  • [ PICTURE ]

    Oh Lordy, it's top chemistry expert and BBC News rent-a-quote Professor David Draper. His nominor suggests he also be prosecuted under local beard topiary regulations.

  • [ PICTURE ]

    We don't know much about this chap, and hand on heart we don't really want to, but we suspect he may be Kevin Pezzano. Doesn't the picture just scream 'Crimewatch photo-fit'?

  • Lotus Software's intriguingly-named 'G & C Magazine' (suggestions invited for what this particular surgical procedure might involve) yields a rich platter of curmudge, including, though not limited to:

    [ PICTURE ]

    Gavin Sanders

    [ PICTURE ]

    Mark Turrell

    [ PICTURE ]

    Bryn Wales

  • [ PICTURE: Ooh, what a curmudgeon ]

    Computing and Business Studies lecturer David Batty. Fear David's neatly-groomed hair and immaculately pressed shirt.

  • [ PICTURE: He looks sweet, but he's a bitter lemon ]

    Curmudgeon-general of UglyMUG, Refresher. One of the finest curmudgeons I've had the privilege to cross swords with. Have at you, sir!

  • [ PICTURE: Run for the hills! ]

    Leeds solicitor Richard Jones. Hands up who thinks he was born to be a solicitor.

  • This week it's a curmudgeonly gang bang as we expose the now legendary Redmond Eleven, otherwise known as the staff of Microsoft Corporation, all the way from 1978, in the past.

    [ PICTURE: So, you want to work for Tefal? ]

    Look out in particular for the scary little weaselly bloke at the bottom left. Seem familiar? You're right. It is Jeffrey Dahmer.

  • [ Davey, Davey, give me your answer - DON'T! ]

    Davey.

  • [ PICTURE: Abstract with 'Evil Plan' whiteboard ]

    Caught on police surveillance footage at last, notorious punt maniac and CPU fan collector abstract, here seen helping my good friend The BOFH organise his day. (Picture courtesy of The BOFHCam)

  • [ PICTURE: Anonymous grinning twat ] [ PICTURE: Anonymous bald twat ] [ PICTURE: Anonymous moustachioed twat ]
  • [ PICTURE: Spot the Klingon ancestry ]
  • [ PICTURE: Oh crivens ]
  • [ PICTURE: Mummy, I'm frightened ]
  • [ Oh Crikey Miss Jones ]

    This gentleman is known simply as Todd. His full name has been withheld following a ruling by the European Court of Human Rights, which judged that Todd should not be persecuted by crowds of shrieking schoolchildren simply because of his admittedly slightly wanky-looking face.

  • [ PICTURE: What d'you mean, who the fuck's that? ]

    Windy Miller.

  • [ PICTURE: Insert predictable comment about fava beans ]

    Mr Anthony Hopkins. Looks friendly, doesn't he? Just remember not to let him have any fucking paperclips, or you'll be using your own guts for garters.

  • This week's curmudgeonly boat-race is surgically attached to Michael Williams. No, not that one, this one:

    [ PICTURE: Don't piss this guy off. He looks mean. ]

    28-year-old Michael enjoys racquetball, jazz, and eating carrion. He wants to become Mayor of Chepstow when he grows up.

  • This week it's the turn of a Computer Science lecturer from Cambridge, Larry Paulson:

    [ PICTURE: Curmudgeonly Larry ]

    I don't wish to give the impression I've anything against the said Paulson - he merely has an avowedly curmudgeonly face, which after all is the name of the game. In fact, as this page of Larry's quotes will show, he seems like a gentleman of wit and a scholar to boot.

  • Next tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the most dangerous men and women in Manchester University's Computing Science department:

    [ PICTURE: J.P. Taylor ]

    J.P. Taylor, shown here enjoying a sherry with his father, historian A.J.P. Taylor. Probably.

    [ PICTURE: J.V. Woods ]

    J.V. Woods, a dead ringer for Kevin Spacey in 'The Usual Suspects'

    [ PICTURE: V.J. Bush ]

    Love the tank-top, V.J. Bush (or 'Sister Wendy' as she's known in the Department)

    [ PICTURE: C.M.N. Tofts ]

    The incredible C.M.N. Tofts

    [ PICTURE: D.S. Bree ]

    The all-too-credible D.S. Bree

    [ PICTURE: The young Magnus Magnusson ]

    H. Simmons

    [ PICTURE: A.J. West. Whoo, boy. ]

    Being for the benefit of Mr. A.J. West.

  • [ PICTURE: Jim Seymour, or 'Dennis Nedry' as his friends call him ]

    PC Magazine columnist Jim Seymour. Doesn't he look suspiciously like the evil fat computer programmer in Jurassic Park? Ah haaaaaa.

  • [ PICTURE: Oh lawks ]

    He's PC Magazine columnist Michael J Miller . Learn to fear him.

  • [ PICTURE: The Simster ]

    Dr Jeremy Sims, Virgin.Net's frightening health expert. Look at this man's face. Doesn't he look like the kind of person who'd have something unspeakably evil in a collection of bin-liners in the attic?

  • [ PICTURE: Oh lumme. ]

    The amazing Mark Nicholas. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  • [ PICTURE: John C. Dvorak ]

    PC Magazine strikes again, with the shriek-inducing John C. Dvorak

  • [ PICTURE: Call the Curmudgeon Police! ]

    The fearsome Michael Chequer, whose curmudgeonliness was brought to my attention by a public benefactor who wishes to remain anonymous.

  • [ PICTURE: Ulp. Frightening. ]

    Jake Kirchner, columnist and office maniac at PC Magazine.

  • [ PICTURE: Lorraine's appallingly chirpy Caledonian grin ]

    Lorraine Kelly, scourge of the daytime TV-viewing classes. She looks like a wonderful caring mother, but I bet she turns into a right auld bitch when the cameras are off.

  • Welcome to the nightmare twilight world of Bill Howard, columnist with PC Magazine.

    [ PICTURE: Monsieur Howard's frightening face ]

  • [ PICTURE: Dana Huyler. Quel nom. ]

    Dana Huyler, erstwhile Gamasutra Geek of the Week. The hat alone should be enough to ensure Dana an eternity of pain beyond the veil, even without taking the glasses into consideration. And he has a woman's name. Worse, he has Dana's name.

  • [ PICTURE: Just a bit of fun ]

    Peter Snow. He might look like a big teddy bear but believe me he can turn nasty.

  • [ PICTURE: Oh, very scary. That moustache doesn't look remotely real. ]

    This week's extremely curmudgeonly face belongs to one W.F. Martin.

  • [ PICTURE: The appalling Ms Forrester ]

    Philippa Forrester. Eugh.

  • [ PICTURE: The Two Curmudgeons ]

    This week's double curmudgeon helping comprises Mark and Angela (and Skippy). Remember that appearing in the Curmudgeon Gallery in no way impugns your character or personality, or indeed implies that you've got a curmudgeonly face. It simply means a so-called friend of yours has sent me an email asking me to embarrass and make fun of you in public, a little bit like that twat Jeremy Beadle.

  • Today's curmudgeon is Harold Coggins, who deserves a mention simply for his interest in Southern Baptist Gospel Music, let alone his beard.

    [ PICTURE: Monsignor Coggins. Be afraid. Be very afraid. ]

  • [ PICTURE: Monsieur Durrell. Curmudge-o-rama ]

    John Durrell, a summer student at the curmudgeon-rich Manchester Visualisation Centre.

  • [ PICTURE: The Man ]

    God. What a curmudgeon.

  • The cornish features below belong to a Mr William Denman. Visit his home page to see just how much of a curmudgeon he really is.

    [ What a curmudgeonly old git ]

  • [ PICTURE: Grumpy-looking baby ]

    This child is obviously destined to be a major curmudgeon when he grows up.

  • [ PICTURE: Alan and a teddy, for some reason ]

    Curmudgeon-in-chief of comp.infosystems.www.authoring.html, Alan Flavell, here shown with an unnamed ursine companion. Alan's interests include computing, helping old ladies, and purifying society by killing those whose web pages do not validate correctly.

  • [ PICTURE: Winston Curmudgeon. Sorry, Churchill. ]

    Possibly the most curmudgeonly face of the 20th century.

  • [ PICTURE: This man looks a bit like a school caretaker ]

    Ken Holmes, presenter on the RSL station Doncaster FM. Curmudgeonly or what.

  • [ PICTURE: A bit of a Nigel Ballard ]

    I won't disclose this man's name as he actually sounds like a nice bloke from his home page. However, he does have a rather curmudgeonly face, and therefore deserves pictorial exposure.

  • [ PICTURE: A very grumpy face ]

    Alexander Chancellor, columnist and regular curmudgeon at the Guardian.

  • [ PICTURE: John Mason ]

    This man is a god of curmudgeonliness, as you can see by his curmudgeonly home page.

  • [ PICTURE: John Glauert ]

    Like all Computer Science lecturers John Glauert is a major curmudgeon (though not so much as his old man).

  • [ PICTURE: Simon Cooke ]

    My God, Miss Jones. This sorry fellow also sports an inexcusable home page.

  • [ PICTURE: A hippopotamus, or something ]

    John Prescott, Deputy Labour leader. (You think that's bad? You want to see him before he shaves.)

  • [ PICTURE: J. T. Bell, Curmudgeon Emeritus ]

    Here lies the picture of Jon Bell, curmudgeonly associate physics and computer science professor at Presbyterian College, Clinton, South Carolina. Such is the power and influence of Moose Mansions that two days after his name appeared here, Jon Bell removed his photograph from his home page so that it could no longer appear on this one! (Fortunately it's back now) Bad luck, Jon, that just makes you even more curmudgeonly, not less. Just for that I'm considering putting him in for a transfer to 'Today's Fool'.

  • [ PICTURE: Nigel Ballard. Oh Criminy. ]

    Nigel Ballard. One of the few, if not the only person to be simultaneously ironic and curmudgeonly at the same time. Idiot Ballard pontificates professionally about PDAs, and had the temerity to complain to my old boss about being listed here as a curmudgeon, as though it were anything to do with him. Well, Ballard, if you're reading this, you're a tosspot, my old son.

  • [ PICTURE: Derek Royal ]

    Just look at those shorts. Look at them. Thank heavens the fellow is sparing enough with his web pages. Small mercies, and so forth.

  • Sir Douglas of the Coffee Table writes:

    Here is the face of someone I'd like to nominate for Curmudgeonly Face of the Week. He's a twat and drives like an old man (10mph in a 40 zone) and is renowned for pranging cars, and has had to have anti-prang devices fitted to his front and rear bumpers (fish and chip wrappers). He managed to drive into someone at 4mph and smash a headlight - clever eh? Anyway he's a tosser and believes everyone should dress in shirts and ties or Reebok sweatshirts. Enough said.

    A heartfelt plea indeed. Here he is.

    [ PICTURE: The curmudgeon himself ]

Is there a National Curmudgeon Crisis? We think so. Due to a drastic fall in the number of curmudgeon submissions this area of Moose Mansions is under threat of closure. Only you can save mankind, by taking five minutes today to surf the web for pictures of frightening old men, ideally with beards, and sending me email about them. That was a public service announcement on behalf of the National Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Curmudgeons.

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