Dating rules

There are some mental dating rules out there. Who is making up these rules like "the guy should pay for the first 5 dates", or "you have to have sex by the third date". I think the whole idea is a bit silly, so I have made up some rules of my own.

  1. The first date must take place on an elephant.
  2. The woman should call the man the day after the date to thank him, but she must speak only in Russian. If challenged, she should deny (in Russian) any knowledge of English.
  3. The second date should be naked (but outdoors).
  4. If the food is Italian, the man should pay. If Chinese, the woman. For any other cuisine, the man should create a distraction while the woman leaves the restaurant without paying. The man should then give a false name and address in lieu of payment.
  5. The third date should be in a flowerbed.
  6. After intimacy has taken place, the man should walk like a penguin.
  7. All dates after the third should be masked. George W. Bush masks are ideal, but if these aren't available, any US president will do.
  8. When meeting the woman's friends, the man should make each of them a cash gift (at least £10). When meeting the man's friends, the woman should wear a joke barbecue apron featuring breasts.
  9. If attending a date at the theatre, the man should continually shout out "He's behind you", especially during Ibsen plays. The woman should laugh hysterically until removed by security.
  10. When meeting someone for the first time, be safe. Take a photo of yourself and draw in a speech bubble saying "HELP!". Post the photo to your local police station, obtaining proof of postage. Show the proof of postage to your date.