The Evening Moose
Dangerous anarchic news stories from the world's most exciting organ. Our hilarity correspondent Richard Murkin reports.
U.N. says photo did not prompt human testing search
A senior U.N. arms official looked up from his 'Tennis Pro' game-and-watch yesterday, and denied reports that a search for evidence of Iraqi testing of chemical and biological weapons on humans was based on a picture obtained several years ago. The picture was discovered by a member of staff at the Baghdad branch of Boots, while he was developing a film brought in by some Iraqi men in white lab coats with blood on them.
'Fish-man' bit dog, says U.N. chief
The deputy chief of the U.N. Special Commission in charge of disarming Iraq (UNSCOM), Charles Duelfer, said: "We have a picture, but we don't interpret it as being evidence of testing of chemical or biological agents on humans. We don't know really how to interpret it." The picture of interest featured what appears to be a 'fish-man' fighting with a dog, in a location which resembles a military camp in the desert. There are a number of Iraqi soldiers visible in the background, braying and hooting like excited swine.
Most significant is a blurred figure with a lab coat and a clip board, who the UN team believe could be Dr. Peter 'Rhythm' Connor, the long-missing chemical weaponry research scientist. The other photographs featured smiling scientists in Scarborough, Filey and Bridlington.
The UN are very worried about the possible involvement of the maverick scientist Dr. Connor. 'Rhythm' Connor is so-called because he could not dance when he was a student and science students are not very funny. In 1975, he graduated from Corpus Christi College, Oxford with a first class honours in Biochemistry. Soon after receiving his doctorate he joined chemical firm Huftyco, founded by Hufty, the bald Geordie lady who used to host The Word, where he excelled in weapon research.
Connor 'sabotaged' colleague's Grifter
For seven years he headed a team devoted to the manufacture of silage-related weaponry, some of which was used to great effect in the Falklands War to coat the swarthy faces of the baddies in rotten grass. It was a great surprise to observers when Connor was dismissed for sabotaging the company play, J-J-J-J-Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, by knocking bits off the chariot which was to be used in the grand finale. The chariot had been painstakingly constructed by Professor Alan Jenkins, who had used an old Grifter bike wrapped in silver foil. It looked stunning until Connor, who was bored, pulled all the tin foil off and twisted the handlebars round.
Upon dismissal, Connor took up with a ruthless pirate crew. Setting sail from Plymouth harbour on a fine April morning in 1987, the naughty buccaneer dogs headed for the Carribean, where they plundered Her Majesty's Navy and the traders who sailed the lucrative merchant route back to Europe. It was said that Connor was at his happiest ever during these years of his life.
One of his shipmates, Bosun Peter Blackburn had this to say: 'Arrhharr! Well, yes, I remember the 80's. They were heady days. Old Peter was an idealist - he loved the thrill of boarding a powerful man 'o' war, to pluck gold and spices from the bulging hold. Once he befriended a giant seahorse and rode off on it's back to find buried treasure. Arrharrr! He was back in a couple of weeks empty-handed, but he didn't care. He was like that.' Then he roared with laughter like Brian Blessed would.
Ship sunk by kids
However, tragedy struck when the ship, 'Maid of Plunder' was sunk by kids. Connor was lost, believed dead. It seems likely that he floated for days, clinging to a bit of ship, like the mast or something. Eventually, he probably floated ashore on some mysterious isle where he survived by his wits and, er... then, erm...
Well, it looks like he ended up in Iraq, practicing his former hazardous trade: chemical 'weapon' manufacture. The Iraqis have issued a statement via their ambassador to the United Nations, Azzam Al-hayid (literally 'Flower of Baghdad'). 'I do not understand why the UN continues to persecute my country - we must be able to defend ourselves from invasion. We are not building any of your so-called 'chemical weapons', we don't know how, and we don't want to anyway. As for this 'Dr. Connor', that sounds very like you made it up. Oh yeah, that photo - I don't believe you've got that either.'
All this was talked out of his foreign mouth on Tuesday. The U.N. Special Commission overseeing the destruction of Iraqi weapons (UNSCOM), ignored him, pretending instead to be really interested in a phone conversation with their mate.
Potential 'robot donkey catastrophe' looms, say State Department
However, a flyover by a US spy satellite has revealed a worrying situation. If you squint really hard at the corner of the satellite pictures, you can easily see some of the sinister machines being developed by Dr. Connor. It seems that he has developed some kind of robot donkey, which could be really dangerous. As your reporter has also abandoned the story that he is a chemical weapon specialist, it also is revealed that he has constructed dirty great armies of furry tanks. Swarms of rats. Tall poles with spikes for poking planes out of the sky. A 'cloudbuster' based on Kate Bush's plans for shoddy weapons in the late 1980's. Stick-on horns. The lot.
It is believed that the US has despatched some CIA ninjas and Big Daddy (despite his recent death) to kill 'Rhythm' Connor. The plan of attack is thought to be based around Big Daddy performing a 'belly-flop' on Dr. Connor, followed by the ninjas pincushioning him with shuriken. Big Daddy will then chant, 'Easy! Easy! Easy!' to prove that we've won. Further bulletins will report on their progress.
Mir airlock continues to leak after repair
An airlock on the Mir space station was still losing pressure on Monday despite repair work by two Russian cosmonauts during a space walk last Friday. It is believed that the gaffer tape being used has developed a 'lack of stickiness' due to cosmic rays.
'We had real problems with it.', gasped bloated cosmonaut Lenny Uvalovich, 'We got out into space and we all ready to go. But then when Misha pass me the roll, I couldn't find the end. As you may know, ha ha, when you're wearing a space suit you can't use your nails, as they are in special space gloves.'
Bits Keep Falling Off
Mir has been in space for ages now, so its no surprise that bits keep falling off. Recent troubles with the on-board computer, were caused by the tape heads in the tape recorder causing loading failures. 'We'd wait for five minutes as the space food machine program load, and then all the screen do is go black, then white, and message would appear at the bottom of screen: "R:Tape Loading error". It was very frustrating.' added Lenny.
There has been tension between the two cosmonauts over the computer problems, as Misha Shishkovsky blames Lenny for the tape heads playing up. 'He kept playing 'Gulag Joe' all the time, and the cassette was really old. The encrusted filth of the years was clogging up the tape heads, like a dirty great raft of offal floating on an ocean of magnetic tape.' (Gulag Joe is a sort of Russian version of Manic Miner)
Cosmonaut Binned 'Fame' Father
There is open hostility between Uvalovich and Shishkovsky, with the childhood friendship being eroded by the 15 years they have spent together on Mir. The disharmony allegedly began when Lenny accidentally dropped a picture of Misha's father into the space bin, from which it was fired into the sun. 'My father, who I love very much, was very distraught. He looks a bit like the old professor off of 'Fame' and it broke my heart to see his old face zooming off towards the sun like that.
Footage from the video tapes at Mission Control in Moscow show Misha's furious reaction upon seeing the photograph being fired from the space bin. He is seen to throw a vase at Lenny and shout, 'You fat fool! That was my father's face! I tire of you with your whiny voice and your idiocy. Tremble before my wrath.' Lenny does not react and appears not to notice, as he is eating a bowl of cereal and watching a game show on the television.
Although both parties apologised to each other, the peace was brief. Two days later Lenny let the space station horse out of it's paddock 'for a laugh', and it took the two of them 4 hours to chase it down and return it. Tempers frayed, and contrary to expectations co-operation in the face of adversity did not reconcile the pair.
Michael Foale, the 40 year old, British-born astronaut who spent a year on Mir described the atmosphere as 'extremely tense'. 'When I first found out that I was going to space I was really excited', said Michael in the press conference debriefing, 'I was looking forward to it being a bit like 2001, with loads of slow space ships and music, and not much happening. But when I got there, it was rubbish.'
'Not only was it really cold, but there was those two Russians bickering and then sulking for ages. After a while I must admit that I enjoyed ganging up with Misha to tease Lenny. We used to go out on a space walk, and I'd nick Lenny's space helmet. Then me and Misha would throw it to each other, and we'd laugh at Lenny trying to get it back, then pretending that he didn't want it anyway.'
'You have to play a lot of chess in space, and me and Misha used to deliberately not ask Lenny to play. But, towards the end Lenny came into see me in my room, and asked me why I was so cruel to him. I did feel a bit guilty then actually.' Michael Foale is not allowed to go back to space, because of the way your bones go all wobbly when you get back to earth.
Moscow report that things will get much worse next month when Misha has his girlfriend go to Mir to stay over. It has been planned to bring Lenny back to earth for over a month now, but he can't fly in a space ship because he's got blood on his face. Further developments will be watched eagerly by Moscow, space monkeys and Michael Foale.
British Tiger Trainer Quits Circus
The British animal trainer who killed a tiger that mauled his brother last week could be charged with animal cruelty and has quit the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus, officials said. The circus issued a statement Saturday saying, 'Graham Chipperfield, 28, a member of one of England's oldest circus families, has retired from training and performing with tigers. But don't forget that they are fucking dangerous. Have you ever seen one? C'mon you RSPCA fuckers, you wouldn't be such a 'ooh-fluffy-bunnies' bunch of hippies if you saw a tiger eating your brother's head'.
His brother, Richard Chipperfield, 24, was in critical condition at a local hospital Sunday after a dirty great tiger bit him on his face. He was mauled and bitten on the head on Wednesday by a 350-pound Bengal tiger named Arnold that the brothers had trained and performed with. Graham had this to say, 'I did what I had to do. That tiger was a big orange and black menace, and he was eating my brother's face. And that's family. You know us circus folk, we're pretty tight, we look out for each other. We've got sawdust in our veins. Only yesterday I shot some kids who were laughing at my good mate Bobo, the midget clown, because he had a funny shaped head. I don't care what people say - I'm total circus, and if anyone disagrees, I'll cut their eyelids off and put ground glass up their arse, you see if I don't.' Arnold's funeral was on Tuesday, and was attended by some circus animals including a dog with a clown hat on. The Chipperfields sent a bunch of red roses to the widow, a lady
tiger called Melanie, a bit like the Mafia always do after a hit.
This incident follows the recent disaster at the Moscow State Circus, where the bareback rider, Olga Walchovich, 25, cut the legs off all the monkeys, claiming that having 'hands where feet should be' was tantamount to being possessed by the 'cannibal spirits of the Steppes'. The increase in big top-related mutilation and murder has invoked calls for OFCIRC, the circus and fairground monitoring agency, to clamp down on clowns, who are believed to be the source of all this carnage.
'It stands to reason doesn't it? They go around like they own the place, wanking and pissing all over the shop.', said Teddy Taylor MP, yesterday. A clown spokesman was swift to deny the rumours, 'How could we cause these terrible events? We're just happy, happy clowns! The kiddies love us, and we make people laugh. Obviously, when we take the make-up off we are all tortured souls, wracked with anguish and neurotic disorders, but that's as maybe.' Further developments will be watched closely by all concerned, especially the Chipperfields. When I grow up I want to be a Ringmaster.