Gail Porter Denigration Zone

[ Beady-eyed little minx, ain't she? ]

Zoe Ball's fans will both be delighted to know that following her successful ascension to true stardom, by virtue of starring in an advert with Naked Chef food dude and 'lovely jubbly' lifestyle guru Jamie Oliver, our campaign of vilification against Her Chunteringness has now ceased. Well done Zoe, and perhaps we might allow ourselves here at the Mansions a small self-congratulatory smirk at the thought that it's all down to us. Probably. Anyway, the next target of the monthly misogyny slot is diminutive Scots lassie Gail 'That's not her bra size, that's her IQ' Porter. The inexplicably popular Porter seems to infest every chart show, movie review and alleged comedy chat show on our screens, and there is no respite even in the newsagents from her dismal fried-egg mammaries. Jesus, she even had her less-than-fulsome funbags projected hundreds of feet high on the side of the Houses of Parliament, which I suppose is one way of making them visible without specialist optical equipment. And now to the scurrilously manufactured 'facts'.

Invented facts about Gail

  1. Gail Porter, everyone's favourite tiny shrieking underdeveloped ginger TV dwarf, once worked in a launderette. As an ironing board.

  2. Though on screen she seems clued-up and on the ball, slugwitted Gail is actually thick as pigshit. As with vacant-featured Big Breakfast sofa cover Kelly Brook, scriptwriters for Gail's programmes have to be warned to avoid any potentially troublesome words, like those over two syllables or containing silent letters. On a particularly mortifying occasion at the LWT studios on London's South Bank in 1996, Gail was trapped for nine hours in a revolving door as she didn't realise you have to push it round yourself.

  3. When Gail Porter eats Jaffa cakes she scrapes the orangey bit off with her teeth and just eats that, discarding the now denuded biscuit. I hate people like that.

  4. Gail spends three weeks a year in a romantic holiday skip on Portsea Island, Hampshire, drinking turpentine and swearing. Our researchers have been unable to determine why.