Up Your Inbox
Since I expend a good deal of effort every week thinking up amusing and bizarre update messages to send to the mailing list (I didn't say I succeeded, did I?), I thought I'd archive them here for all eternity. Cyber-archeologists in the year 3020 will be fascinated to see the kind of thing that some people used to think was funny in the 20th century, although some other people thought it was just crude, or alternatively a little too smug and clever-clever.
- Five-Knuckle Shuffle
- Millenium Moose
- "Technically illegal" new West End play opens tonight
- Pelican Palace
- Mysterious black monolith discovered
- Thank Maurice it's Friday!
- Moose Mansions declared 'unsafe at any speed'
- Science News: Time Hole Discovered
- Coo ur gosh
- Virus Warning
- Warning: Contents Poor
- New Year, New Fear
- Christmas? Bah! Gobstopper
- Good Golly Miss Moose
- National Sardonic Humour Week
- Get Fresh in Bed
- Chesney says, "It's the one and only!"
- MAKE MONEY FAST!!!
- Coo ur gosh... again
- Alert! Alert!
- Eek! A moose!
- A Feast of Evil
How delightful to meet Mr. Maurice!
(Everyone wants to know _him_)
With his delicate tact
And his Zoe Ball Fact
His oh so implausible names
His false celebrity claims
And his hatred of people called Tim
How delightful to meet Mr. Maurice!
Who is worshipped by the ironic
(They regard him as a bit of a tart)
While never sparing the moronic
Curmudgeon thou surely art!
How delightful to meet Mr. Maurice!
(Everyone wants to know _him_)
He has 999 Internet memes
And so on his Web page it seems
You'll never be stuck for a grin
- with apologies to a Yorkshire Terrier
Millennium supremo Peter Mandelkson today announced the cancellation of the Millenium Dome project and the building of a gigantic seven hundred foot moose instead. "The enormous figure will symbolise... a moose," said Mr Mandelkson.
The Moose, to be constructed in Peckham instead of Greenwich, which is ponced up enough already without loads of 'Millennium Tea-Rooms' and suchlike, will provide a "truly marvellous family Millenium experience", according to leading design consultant Alan Titchmarsh. A cable car system will conduct visitors into the moose via its backside, in cable cars disguised as giant moose poops. Once inside, they will be confronted with the following wonders:
- Philippa Forrester's face, blown up to enormous size, using dynamite
- A free souvenir booklet of implausible names
- The Museum of Peckham - with over ten amazing facts about Britain's brightest municipal area
- "That's Mildly Surprising!" - an exhibition of some of the most banal and tame facts we could dig up from the GMTV Dull Fact Encyclopaedia
- A display commemorating some of the most popular alternative religions based around the worship of Lucifer
- "Fool World" - a special prison built to hold some of Britain's most foolish people, with little cards next to their cages to explain exactly what foolish deeds they've committed
- "Bludgeon a Curmudgeon" - a virtual reality video game in which players have to run around catching people with curmudgeonly faces and bludgeoning them to death with lengths of timber.
- A special version of the warped Japanese game show 'Endurance', where instead of having to drink fifty gallons of water and not go to the toilet, or something, people have to watch an endlessly looped video of Chris Evans 'TFI Friday' until they can't stand it any more. Anyone who lasts more than 15 minutes will be awarded a specially minted Queen's Medal for Bravery.
- Michael Portillo. He'll be there all right. He didn't cost very much, surprisingly. Must need the work.
- The Killing Wall. Bring along anyone you'd like to have shot, place them in front of this wall, and trained Army marksmen with high-velocity rifles will do the rest.
- Some other tat we paid a seven-year-old child to think up.
Visit the Millennium Moose web site now:
and vote for the celebrity you think should have the honour of being first into the moose's gigantic entrance rectum.
Yes, the latest offering from exciting young playwright Maurice the Moose hits town tonight and a host of celebrities are expected to be there for a glittering yada yada yada ya insert the usual PR puff here natter natter blah blah amusing incident in the foyer with a bucket of soapy frogs.
'Moose Mansions', a searing comedy-drama in seventeen acts, explores the relationships between ordinary people and cans of elk pate. Can that be right? No, I'm looking at the blurb for the Sartre festival. Anyway, 'Moose Mansions' has been described by top critics as:
- "Breathtaking" - Daily Mirror
- "I laughed till I cried" - Telegraph
- "Skimpy on Marxist-Leninist dialectic" - Class War
- "Technically illegal in parts" - Chief Constable, West Mercia Police
- "You want fries with that?" - Attendant at nearby Burger King
- Superficial TV bimbo - Philippa Forrester
- The actor Brian Blessed - Himself
- Annoying busker - Ralph McTell
- Frightening leopard - Sheba
- Closet Satanist - The Bishop of Chichester
- Semi-literate lunatic Web designer - Terry Cooksey
- Curmudgeon - PC journalist Michael Miller
- Fragment of sputum - Mitchell Symons
- Oswald Mosley - Michael Portillo
- Billy Bunter - Bill Gates
- The Narrator - Ambrose Bierce
Performances eleven times a day for the rest of your pointless life. Call the ticket hotline now on:
Admission is free. We tried getting people to pay, but they just urinated pointedly through the little slot in the box office window, so we gave that up after a while.
In this week's Pelican Palace, Pevensey the Pelican offers you the following comical herring-scraps:
- Another exciting Zoe Ball Fact
- More plausible names, like Harris. Or Johnson.
- A fact about Camberwell
- An untrue but very interesting fact about the world we live in
- 'Today's Clever Person'. Someone we think is extra clever and deserves a pat on the back
- 'This Week's Winsome Face'. Featuring the face of someone we think has a winsome face.
- 101 Great Policy Successes of Michael Portillo. This week, a minor reorganisation of the way yearly defence procurement reports are compiled, instituted by Michael in autumn 1993.
- People Who Should be Given A Bunch of Flowers. This week, someone we think should be given a bunch of flowers for being so lovely.
- Our Favourite Internet Chain Letters. Each week we hunt down the person responsible for starting a chain email and reward them with sweets.
- A genuine agony advice column where listeners with problems are given helpful, appropriate suggestions by an enlightened, sane columnist.
- 'Dictionary Definitions'. Each week, for educational purposes, we feature a different word and its definition from the Oxford Concise English Dictionary, like 'stamen'. It might not actually be 'stamen', but certainly a word like that.
- 'Today's Admirable Picture'. As always, a picture of something we think is genuinely good and should be encouraged.
Hope you enjoy the pages. By the way, we've received reports from readers in a far-off alternate dimension that there exists a parallel universe version of Pelican Palace. In this twisted, perverse parody of our web pages all sorts of horrible things go on, and the essential goodness of everything we do has been subverted and replaced by bile and sickness. Avoid this at all costs. Just point your browsing equipment at
and try to think happy thoughts.
Hi, I'm Philippa Forrester, presenter of TV's 'Tomorrow's World' and a graduate in Autocue Reading from the University of Paignton. Scientists digging up the Moon for some reason have discovered a sinister black monolith, a bit like in that scary Stanley Kubrick film. 'A Clockwork Orange', that was it. Anyway, inscribed on the monolith was a message to humanity from aliens with a sense of humour far in advance of our own. Well, mine, anyway. Here's what it said.
'ALL THESE WEB PAGES ARE YOURS'
Yes, that's right, we've just popped over from another galaxy to give you the secrets of our hyper-advanced technology, and blow up Jupiter by turning it into a sun, whether you wanted us to or not. You can find all our advanced alien weird scientific stuff at these coordinates:
Apart from telling you how to produce everlasting cheap energy, solve the world's food problem and receive Channel 5, we've also included:
- Some very implausible names, with no evidence at all that we haven't just made them up. Although we would never do that, unless we were a bit short of real ones.
- Is the humble goat in danger of extinction? Our Peckham correspondent thinks so.
- How to extinguish ten other fragile species on the edge of oblivion, using only common household tools
- Dogs. Will we ever be able to have a decent conversation with them? No.
o) Do you blow-dry your fine, sandy hair and have a moustache? Are you a devout Christian who believes that anyone who doesn't agree with your religious views is a heretic fit only for barbecuing? Why not apply for next week's Curmudgeon Spot?
- Michael Portillo. Is it worth continuing to ridicule him long after the end of his effective political career? Yes, it is.
- Cookery snobs go under the knife in our exclusive guide to killing people who say things like 'Of course, I'm using sun-dried tomatoes for this.'
- Agony advice with our health, sex and relationships expert: right-wing loony Captain Arse
- Hidden in this week's HTML source: a cure for cancer and the secret of how to open those irritating little milk cartons you get on trains.
So anyway, hope you enjoy it. If you experience any nasty after-effects, like seeing a psychedelic swirling space-gate full of stars, or turning into a tiny baby inside a lightbulb, please write to your local Euro-MP. They won't be able to help, but they'll be glad to get some mail for once.
Another hypodermic full of venom awaits you at:
No hints about the content this week - it's so exciting and dangerous I don't want anyone to find out about it, especially not the McCain's frozen junk food company. But please note that readers who are preternaturally sensitive to any mention of yams should don special protective glasses before viewing this week's treat.
Love from Maurice
REUTERS - LONDON, ENGLAND - The British government today declared that the World-Wide Web publication known as 'Moose Mansions' was a danger to the public and would be stamped out. A spokesman from the Home Office said that Moose Mansions had been linked with brain damage, convulsions, assorted spongiform pathogens and tittering during office hours.
The Government intends to take swift action, ordering an Internet Procrastination Task Force to immediately form a committee to discuss the possibility of releasing a consultation paper at some point in the future about organising a feasibility study into doing something about the problem, said junior Home Office minister Keith Barron, formerly of TV's holiday-based shitcom 'Duty Free'.
In the meantime Web users are warned to look out for a web site masquerading as a 'hilarious' comical magazine based around childish and cynical attacks on celebrities, and featuring a mish-mash of swearing and poor observational comedy. Other distinguishing features include:
The Home Office also said that Moose Mansions was so exciting it could cause death in the elderly and infirm, or people who don't come into contact with humour very much, like technical support operatives and electricians. This means it is technically classed as a munition, and anyone found telling their friends about it will be guilty of being an arms dealer, like Jonathan Aitken. Allegedly.
-- ENDS --
A recent bulletin from the Society for Patiently Explaining the Difference Between Astrology and Astronomy reveals that a previously unknown phenomenon - a time-hole - has been discovered in cyberspace.
The hole, dubbed 'Moose Mansions' by its discoverers, causes all who pass nearby to lose several hours of their day. Those affected complain of 'mouse-hand' and eyestrain after reading over 4,000 made-up facts about Peckham.
The chief visible features from Earth appear to be:
- Philippa Forrester is a bitmap, says jilted Snow
- If you were Mr & Mrs Sickafoose, would you name your child Bambi?
- 'Insignificant' amounts of oil discovered in Peckham
- Legal insect highs
- How many tube-travelling Australians can you kill using only everyday household items?
- Michael Portillo 'couldn't out-argue woodlouse', says new study
- It's Finsbury Park!
- Chocolate better than sex, says survey (but not better than chocolate _and_ sex simultaneously, says personal experiment conducted last night by me)
- Monopoly. Can players over the age of 9 complete a game without dying of boredom-induced paralysis?
- Some nonsense about Eamonn Holmes and a rectal stun-prod.
- Genuine circulation figures which prove that nearly 2,000 people had nothing better to do last week than look at Moose Mansions. Has the world gone mad?
Scientists using the Hubble Space Telescope have failed to pinpoint the time-hole's location. However, children using the Hubba-Bubba Strawberry-Flavoured Chewing Gum telescope have successfully tracked down the phenomenon to the following coordinates:
And remember, there are no hidden exciting messages to be seen if you view the HTML source of Moose Mansions. Nothing at all. So don't do it.
Estas la nova eldono de 'Moose Mansions'!
Je la pagxo tiu cxi semajno:
- Libellous facts about Philippa Forrester
- Princess Di. The boundaries of good taste. Should we bend 'em a little or just smash right through them in a three-ton truck?
- Names you wouldn't believe
- Peckham stereotypes confirmed - all residents have dopey brother called Rodney
- Alcohol abuse - give your children a head start
- 'Rainbow' cast in three-in-a-bed pink hippo sex shock
- Lorraine Kelly, the truth behind the GMTV sofa
- Michael Portillo Embarrassing Middle Name Scandal
- People who are frankly just looking for trouble
- Internet memes a-plenty with Morris Meme
- 'Are You Being Served?' - the out-takes
- Iraq's secret arsenal of 'giant sea-horses'
- Some other shit
Vizitu la retadreson:
Just thought I'd let you know about a dangerous new virus sweeping the Internet. It works by first infecting your web browser, then your brain, so that you start ripping the piss out of the Spice Girls, and wanting to visit Peckham, and describing people as curmudgeons.
The virus, called Moose Mansions, masquerades as a low-quality weekly 'humour' zine, put together by someone from various bits of crap he receives via email and some facts he makes up. And finding someone whose face looks a bit curmudgeonly. It may also pretend to offer you:
- How to get the shit kicked out of you in South London
- How to remove troublesome ceiling plaster using Coffee-Mate and a box of matches
- Bus drivers. Can they fuck off, or what?
- That awful beer meme in full
- Useless and insulting agony advice from Captain Arse
- Inside Mir - chess, gaffer tape and wobbly bones
- Syd Little in potato cross-dressing scandal
- Another snide reference to William Straw
- And much, much more stuff you'd be embarrassed to have your boss find you reading
So if you visit a web page (for example,
), and you notice any weird symptoms, forward this message immediately to all your friends, and people you hate. Every time you forward this message the American Cancer Society will donate one dollar towards buying a giant postcard for Craig Shergold, and erase your hard disk. You will also be helping fund research into ways of making money out of gullible twats.
To all our regular customers,
Try our new Moose Mansions pizza. It's the same old rubbish you had last week, recycled and warmed over with a miserly sprinkling of fresh cheese on the top to make it look new. Call our delivery hotline on
Extra toppings include:
- Tandoori Chicken
- Are the Spice Girls really the Banana Splits wearing rubber masks?
- Implausible Names
- Dana a man - at last it can be told
- Down the Toilet with Michael Portillo's Career
- Captain Arse and his Abusive Agony Advice
- Tigers - They're Fucking Dangerous - Exclusive
We hope that our comedy pizza reaches you in perfect condition. If you find the jokes lukewarm or the satire stale, this is because the contents may have settled in transit. If your web browser took too long to load the page, go to your nearest Domino's pizza and ask them to give you a free garlic bread because a giant talking moose called Maurice sent you.
Did you wake in the night last night? Did you wake up in a cold sweat, your body arched in a rictus of terror, your mind swirling with a half-remembered nightmare? Did you?
Now you know what it was about. Yes, the New Fear issue of Moose Mansions hits the pavement outside your local Internet newsagents this morning, there to remain in a sodden bundle for three days until some kids tear it up and throw bits of it into the gardens all along Wisteria Drive.
Exclusive to this week's issue:
- New improved marketing bollocks mission statement
- Jack Straw - the truth
- Spice Girls to meet Francis Drake
- A slew of implausible names
- Win a gondola cruise for two along the fabled canals of Peckham
- Illegal fun with laser printer cartridges
- Why supermarkets are shit
- Tomorrow's World of Curmudgeons
- Dorset woman claims 'Portillo had oral sex with my radio'
- Official fatwa declared on Eamonn Holmes
- Email humour cc'ed from Hell
- Upsetting and inappropriate personal advice in our new agony column
- Another sarcastic definition from Uncle Ambrose
- Jane Asher - what she _really_ gets up to with those mince pies
For all this and much, much less, unzip your browser and point it carefully at
Note: GeoCities now kindly provides unwanted bonus advert windows for subscribers. Please email the people advertised in this window and say 'I think your products are shit, and I intend to locate your car and urinate through the filler cap in revenge for being made to suffer your ill-constructed advertisement.'
No, that's wrong. Sod it. I can't remember. Anyway, here's the bumper fun-packed issue of Moose Mansions specially designed to keep you in bile over the festive season. Cheerio, and I love you all.
Don't delay, open this envelope today as you MAY ALREADY HAVE WON a trip to Moose Mansions in our exclusive PRIZE DRAW.
The all-expenses-paid holiday includes:
- The Spice Girl Code - cracked at last
- Do you enjoy looking up names like 'Mr Doodoo' in the phone book? You'll love our Implausible Name-A-Thon
- Unwarranted amounts of information about Peckham, London's most exciting inner-city special development area
- 'Pin the irritating vacant smile on Philippa Forrester' game to cut out and keep
- Hints for disposing of unwanted and embarrassing Conservative ex-MPs
- Steve Wright. What a twat he was.
- Horrible vomity colour scheme
- That's it
To enter our prize draw, simply type in your personal randomly-assigned code into your Web browser. Your special code is:
You will be notified within 14 days whether you have won the holiday, or one of 250 consolation prizes: a weekend of charity work helping to restore one of Liverpool's ancient monuments, Cilla Black.
As dutiful citizens I'm sure you'll all do your best to support this nationwide promotion of ill-thought-out quips, humorous over-writing and childish attacks on people's appearance. Please go to
and View That Page With Pride.
As a special reward for being so good you'll be presented with the following items by the Duke of Edinburgh on a rainy afternoon at the Cenotaph:
- Which Spice Girl would you kill, and how? The results of our reader survey.
- The secrets of Royal Peckham
- Christmas made easy with our useless tips which miss the point and make things more difficult and expensive than it would have been to just do things the normal way
- Curmudgeon Double Bill
- Inflate Michael Portillo and sail away on our Exclusive Cruise Holiday for Two
- The Curse of 'Duty Free' - Keith Barron's pain and shame, in full
- More shit jokes
- Are you aroused by Marigold gloves? Dr Hilary Jones says "You're an evil pervert."
...read the sign in the window of the launderette a few doors down Leytonstone Road from my flat when I used to live in Stratford, East London. Unfortunately, it then continued, '... by washing your duvet here.' What a cruel trick to excite and arouse innocent passers-by.
All of which has very little to do with this week's Moose Mansions, available from an Internet provider near you. Simply recite the following spell:
- Exclusive 'Jesus Inside' logo to cut out and keep
- Sporty Spice's breakfast shame REVEALED
- Grammar pedantry
- A fat religious man with a beard
- I hate Christmas because...
- Gaz Top - The Poultry Years
...Moose Mansions, that is. In this week's issue of the magazine that's funnier than leprosy and more intellectually fulfilling than Blind Date:
- 'Toking' Jack Straw returns
- Implausible Film Moguls
- Morrissey & Marr: the Peckham connection
- Turkeys, ingenious uses for
- The Late Show team deconstruct 'Teletubbies'
- What would you do to Michael Portillo with a tractor?
- Pedent's corner
- The ever-expanding Crap Sexist Joke gallery
and of course
- Chesney Hawkes: the truth behind the shit-flick
What's that? You don't know the address? Curse you for a URL-ignoramus. It's
Or alternatively, piss away the precious hours of your life by perusing the Web's least hilarious ironical gazette:
El Moose Manziones
- Made-up issue number
- No pictures of Jack Straw
- Carol Vorderman and vomit mentioned in same paragraph
- Whatever happened to Andrew Ridgeley
- The truth about God
And of course all your favourites: ill-conceived rants, swearing and cynical abuse of minor celebrities.
WARNING: Do NOT read this week's issue of Moose Mansions if you are, or ever have been, a member of the comically overweight pop combo The Fat Boys.
Oh Matron, it's the new issue of Moose Mansions, straight from my slim, almost girlish fingers to vi to FTP to the Internet to YOU!!! Titter ye not, but simply face forwards and browse the following URL in a forbidding silence.
Unless you're Jack Straw, in which case telephone your lawyer immediately.
"Shut that door"
Dangerous levels of irony, sarcasm and intolerance have been detected on the World Wide Web. The only way we can crush this outbreak is to use a special tool called 'a web browser'. You need to enter the commands to go to the following page:
You must then read about the Spice Girls, implausible names, fools and so on, then look at some pictures of curmudgeonly faces. Finally to defeat the evil moose you must find out whatever happened to mediocre celebrity Nick Kamen and shoot someone in the head.
The fate of the universe rests on your shoulders, probably
Late at night, unable to sleep, you toss and turn restlessly among the hot sheets. Suddenly an icy chill runs down your spine as those shadows in the corner take on the shape of a pair of giant antlers.
A lugubrious voice intones, "Quaver, mortal, for I am the all-powerful Maurice, here to inform you about the latest issue of Moose Mansions magazine!"
Close-up of your screaming face, frozen in a rictus of fear, and reflected in your eyeballs... a picture of the Monkees. Ironic or what.
Find out what happens to your tortured soul at:
Yes, just like in that poor-quality TV movie an infection is spreading over the Internet. It's already struck at this address:
and if you dare point your browser there you will become infected too! You may find yourself perhaps liking something ironically, or going on and on about some stupid advert on TV. If it's a serious case you might notice that you start to think people around you are behaving foolishly, or have curmudgeonly faces. If you start speaking facts about the Spice Girls or shooting people in the back of the head, call your doctor immediately.
Ever contemplated a night of torrid sex with John Humphreys from Radio 4's Today programme? Horrible, isn't it? But not as horrible as the latest edition of Moose Mansions.
Indulge your basest desires at http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/
Now over to Brian for today's racing tips. Brian.