This is the stuff I laboured too hard on writing to throw away, yet wasn't quite funny enough for Noel's House Party. Enter at your peril.
by Lieutenant-General Sir Anthony Ruffscrew (Rtd.)
It's not unusual to see people these days carrying puffins on the Underground. I myself have a sizeable collection of puffins at home. Once I even saw a young fellow striding along Birdcage Walk with a puffin thrust unceremoniously into his jacket pocket. They're part of our everyday life, but how much do we really know about these small, papery objects with brightly-coloured cardboard covers.
Not the popular range of children's books. The birds! -Ed.
Ah. I do beg your pardon. I'm afraid I'm still rather woozy from the medication. Now then, puffins. Curious little fellows. Eat a lot of raw fish. Mad keen on electronics. No, I'm thinking of the Japanese. Which ones are the puffins, then?
Puffins are sea-birds of the family Alcidae living generally in the North Atlantic and Pacific. -Ed.
That's the chaps! I'm most awfully sorry. Now your basic puffin is a pretty law-abiding creature. As long as he's got enough fish and somewhere to sh... somewhere to shove his hat he's happy. But give him ideas above his station and it'll only confuse him. Why, I remember some hairy times in South Africa. Hordes of rampaging puffins with spears, maddened by educational programmes on the BBC World Service. Just me, 'Porky' Hampton and 'Belching' Toby Cutworth guarding the embassy gates armed with those little balsa wood chip forks. Great days.
Puffins? With spears? -Ed.
No, you're right. Who am I thinking of then? Not puffins. Kaffirs! That was it.
Thank you very much, Sir Anthony.
My dear fellow, it was a pleasure. Have you seen my pills anywhere?
I think it's safe to do a few computer jokes. Obviously you've got a computer, or you wouldn't be reading this rubbish. Unless there's some weird cult I don't know about where people print out Moose Mansions every week and distribute photocopies to unsuspecting commuters outside major tube stations. That's happened before.
James O'Brien writes to gently remind me to credit him for this comic gem; consider it done James. Hopefully you'll now be removing the nerve toxin capsules from my bloodstream at your earliest convenience - Ed.
Yes... it was all a spoof. Those who attempted to tune into Moose Mansions between mid-afternoon Thursday and Friday found a Page Withdrawn notice saying that Moose Mansions had been zapped by GeoCities due to obscene content. If only it were that interesting. Apologies to all those of you who sent in supportive e-mails, and thanks for being such loyal fans. Almost everyone was taken in, so don't feel bad if you were too. Even the e-mail address provided for complaints didn't give it away to some people. I wonder how many people sent complaints to it...
A special bonus thing for Christmas, which you can unwrap, look at, turn aside to vomit into the cat's basket, then bury at the end of the garden.
The word silthy means:
- (a) inclined towards acts of perversion with members of the bird kingdom
- (b) able to ease one's way effortlessly out of very serious trouble, e.g. Louise Woodward, Ernest Saunders
- (c) covered in a fine deposit of uranium-rich sediment and prone to explode when hit sharply with a geologist's hammer.
The word lickspurthy means:
- (a) skilled in the art of impersonating Nigel out of EastEnders
- (b) willing to contemplate cunnilingus with a badger
- (c) Reginald Lickspurthy, a 19th-century engraver and child pornographer.
As the British election horse enters its nauseating home straight, the editorial staff here at Moose Mansions beg to present a few ill-chosen scrapings from the stable floor. Put your lips together and maintain a turgid silence for...
The Moose Mansions Top and Bottom 10 of Politicians
- Robin Cook - a forceful if curmudgeonly debater and a politician of promising intellect marred only slightly by having a head shaped like a lightbulb.
- Donald Dewar - emphatic and effective Chief Whip cum TV star, soon to close a deal on his own mini-series entitled "Donald Dewar - Canny Curmudgeon or Scots Git?"
- Alex Salmond - with whom the phrase "Crazed crypto-nazi Scots revolutionary" is universally associated because he so categorically isn't it. Tiny, dapper, urbane, Salmond will remain the acceptable face of Scottish nationalism. Until the day he whips out a machine pistol and takes Ian Lang hostage at an Edinburgh charity night. Alex Salmond never blinks.
- Alex Carlisle, perhaps the most frightening man in politics today. Put it this way - you can't imagine him as counsel for the defence.
- Dennis Skinner - known to Cabinet intimates as "The Complete and Total Bastard of Bolsover", Skinner earns his place in the Mansions Gallery of Glory thanks to a lifetime spent badgering, baiting and, one suspects, badger-baiting. Right on.
- William Hague - perhaps a surprising inclusion, the erstwhile Tory Boy has mellowed with years, lost his acne and gained a yummy chocolatey voice. The man must gargle with molten Bourneville, for Heaven's sake.
- Ken Clarke always calls the word "rumbustious" to mind. I've no idea what it means, but he definitely is it. Famously porky, Clarke's drinking always reaches danger level around Budget time. What do you imagine your boss would say if you started swigging from a bottle of whisky while delivering a presentation to a major client? Clarke's other assets include smoking (you're no Harold Wilson, baby), silly shoes and being a lovable buffoon.
- Clare Short, although unashamely Brummie, podgy-cheeked and apparently humour-impaired, the woman clearly does not take any shit. That's the type of attitude we like. Roll on her Gladiators debut.
- Alan Clark. For those of you worried that Maurice, who is well-known for his radical conscience, has included too many Tories in his Top 10, may we say this in mitigation. No way is Alan Clark your typical Tory. For one thing, he has heard of humour. For another, he puts it about a bit (well, a lot), and doesn't try to cover it up. His politics aside (thankfully), anyone still fell-walking, skiing and shagging at his age deserves applause.
- Michael Portillo. Let us hasten to remind you, cherished webster, that this hit and hate parade is in no way connected with politics. Others better qualified to do so may chasten Portillo for his rabble-arousing fanaticism, his political rapacity and his second-hand ideology. We prefer to rip the piss out of him for having big lips and staggeringly duff hair.
The names that follow are a litany of evil and mediocrity in themselves. We feel no further comment is necessary. The reader should use his, her or its own judgement to divine the reasons for each name's inclusion.
- Michael Heseltine
- Virginia Bottomley
- Michael Howard
- Tony Blair
- Ann Widdecombe
- Paddy Ashdown
- Liz Lynne
- Edwina Currie
- Teresa Gorman
- Gillian Shepherd