Unsuitable Things To Do With Your Mother

  • Invite her to witness, and comment on, your sexual prowess with the big-nosed girl who works in Boots. Give her a clipboard and ask her to mark you out of 10 in several selected technique areas.
  • Use her as a kind of pointless improvised washing line by stretching her between two posts and hanging your damp pants all over her.
  • Put a burning cross on her lawn and then, when she pops out to do the shopping, dress up with your friends in some white sheets and string her up from the nearest tree. NB do not try this with ethnic minority mums, they can be a bit sensitive and may not appreciate the ironic humour of what you're doing.
  • Not phone her up for 11 months and then when she eventually rings you, go "Mum! Great to hear from you! I thought you were dead!".
  • Introduce her to Keith Chegwin
  • Attempt to use her as a kind of bizarre makeshift human cruet by pouring a load of vinegar into her mouth, then shaking her upside down over your chips.
  • Go to a rave and get unfeasibly off your trolley on speed, acid and E, then ask her to skin up for you because you're too wankered to hold the Rizlas.
  • Beat the Spice Girls to death with a six-foot length of steel I-beam and urinate over the bodies.
  • A trip round the red light district of Amsterdam, doing 78mph down narrow streets in a convertible while snorting coke from a paper bag, shouting 'Give me some kinky clog-related sex you Dutch bastards'.