Philippa Forrester Despite Page

[ PICTURE: Philippa's real face ]
[ PICTURE: Flipper herself, having something of a bad face day ]

Philippa Forrester, the thinking person's unthinkable person. Surrounded by a cloud of blonde hair and aided only by a cute face, our Flipper has waged a one-girl war on the viewing public. It's time the scales were tipped by Moose Mansions and its army of bile-spitting evildoers.

Thanks to the constant malicious, invented abuse sprayed from the upstairs windows of Moose Mansions, the Spice Girls have now pretty much bitten the dust. It's time to turn our sewage hose onto another over-rated, terminally smug celebrity. And here she is. Philippa, the never-popular bimbette presenter of Robot Wars and Tomorrow's World (as well as certain children's programmes which have been destroyed for public safety reasons), takes her turn in the spotlight as the subject of one of our scurrilous Facts.

Flipper Facts

  1. Unlikely as it may seem, Philippa Forrester has a Ph.D in chicken management. She took the course over a period of six years to ensure that her secret engagement to John 'Country File' Craven would have a basis on which to continue. Philippa can oft be seen in the Blue Peter garden in the early hours of the morning in red rubber boots shoveling chicken crap into the pond laughing madly and drooling.

  2. Flipper may have her admirers who love to watch her, following her through the streets and watching her in the toilet, but how many of them know about her podiatry deformity? Not a one, that's how well she hides it. However, medical records prove that her feet are fitted to the bottoms of her legs backwards, due to staff incompetence during her 42,000 mile service. She hides it by walking funny. Look closely next time she's on Tomorrow's World, and you'll see her knees bend very slightly forwards with each step.

  3. Philippa looks as sweet as a little pie, but if a drop of alcohol crosses her immaculately-glossed lips she turns really nasty. In fact, she turns into 'Begbie' from the movie 'Trainspotting'.

    A BBC engineer friend of mine has an illicit copy of some 'Robot Wars' footage that was suppressed by John Birt. Needless to say it never reached the screen. It shows Philippa swigging openly from a whisky bottle, then glassing one of the competitors while shouting, "Who the FOCK d'ye think ye're lookin' at, eh? Eh? EH? Ye wee b-bastart."

    Ms Forrester was dragged from the set by some burly security men after trying to head-butt 'Matilda', one of the house robots, accusing it of 'f-f-fockin' spillin' ma p-p-pint'.

  4. It is a little known fact that Phillipa is in fact completely bald. While this did not bother Phillipa herself, it caused tremendous problems for the TV production crew, as the cameras and the studio lighting could be clearly seen as reflections on her shiny head.

    In a manner most befitting to a Tomorrow's World presenter, modern technology has sprung to the rescue to give Phillipa a convincing head of hair, cunningly injection-moulded from ABS plastic. This provides her with a durable and hard-wearing hairpiece which does not fade or tarnish under the studio lights and can also double as an effective and fashionable cycling helmet.

    The 'hairpiece' itself is fitted via means of a plastic tab on the top of Phillipa's head, and can therefore be removed and instantly replaced with a completely different hairdo, a bit like those little men that you get in Lego sets.

  5. While Carol Vorderman is famed for her numerical skills, little is known about the remarkable aptitude Philippa has for swallowing live animals and regurgitating them unharmed. She shot to fame during the early 1970s when, as a small child her parents saw her force a whole puppy into her mouth. They took her to the RSPCA who extracted it with a gloved hand covered in grease. The puppy was unharmed and later went on to star in the Stephen King film adaptation 'Cujo'. Philippa is reticent about this early blush of success and tends to talk it down in conversation.

  6. With over eleven dead husbands, Philippa is known as the Black Widow by Interpol. Although her real name is not known to the authorities her modus operandi of stripping the men of all their clothes, covering them in honey and then refusing to lick it off as they become stuck to the bed and die from a combination of sugar excess and starvation is one that leaves many in Interpol cold. She is considered dangerous and not to be approached without clothes.

  7. Philippa is the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter and as such, is empowered with the mystical ability to have a highly successful career in television without any apparent qualifications or talent.

  8. Philippa comes from a very poor background. Her parents were simple kumquat farmers, and the family used to live in a ramshackle, tumbledown Ford Capri near Wanstead. In fact Philippa was forced to support herself during her degree course at Leicester's DeMontfort University by selling Calvin & Hobbes copyright violation T-shirts.

  9. Philippa eats only chives, with a dribble of extra virgin olive oil at Christmas and bank holidays. This chive-based diet is rumoured to help Flipper maintain her seemingly eternal youth. She celebrates her 83rd birthday next September.

  10. In 1988 Philippa had her cheeks surgically punched in by a baboon, to achieve that 'winsome' look. The operation is reputed to have cost 3,000GBP. Why not waste money on expensive simian cosmetic surgery yourself? I once had my nose removed by a colobus monkey and have never looked back.

  11. A recent satellite survey has revealed that Philippa Forrester is in fact personally responsible for the destruction of 44% of the world's tropical rain forest, instead of some Indonesian logging companies like you and Sting thought. At her 2,000,000GBP luxury home in Kidderminster, Ms Forrester said "You can't beat a lovely crackling log fire."

  12. Unbeknownst to her employers at Television Centre, Philippa Forrester is in fact a large mobile ants' nest. She has been able to hide her true nature by stealing a state of the art voice synthesizer programmed to expound patronisingly about science. This has had an unexpected bonus for the ants as the sudden appearance of Flipper causes most rational people to run madly as far away as possible, thus leaving any unattended food, cans of drink, etc. free for the ants. The brave few who can cope with seeing her close up usually break down and flee at the sight of thousands of ants streaming out of her nostrils. The only known defence against this insect menace is to pour a large kettle of boiling water over Ms Forrester's head. Unfortunately, scientists discovered this too late for it to be included as an experiment on MegaLab.

    (Note to Philippa's lawyers: this fact was submitted by Paul Cherry)

  13. Philippa has a sweet face, but her loyal viewers are unaware that to create this illusion she must spend up to four hours in make-up every day. In reality she looks exactly like Peter Snow with breasts.

    (A disturbing yet oddly exciting image, I'm sure you'll agree.)

  14. The BBC have triumphed again with another original programme idea: steal a format from American TV without even bothering to change it in the slightest degree, and put Jeremy Paxman in charge of it. Yes, Robot Wars has been a qualified success among 10-year-olds who wear glasses held together with sticky tape and subscribe to Popular Electronics. However, one of the most impressive robots is the 'Philippa Forrester', which co-presents the show. The BBC couldn't afford the real Philippa Forrester (her fees are way too high now that she's the star of ITV's 'Night Fever'), so they built a scale model out of cardboard loo-roll tubes and a child's radio-controlled car.

    Look out for the bit on next week's show where someone in the audience makes a call on their mobile phone, and Philippa starts spinning round and round emitting black smoke and shrieking out the football results in a child's voice.

  15. Philippa (known affectionately as Twiglet by her admiring circle of crazed celeb-stalkers) speaks no English, being a native speaker of Indonesian. Her cue cards are written out phonetically and she simply parrots the syllables she's given in front of the camera. This explains her habit of emphasising the wrong bits of sentences.

  16. Philippa is a gestalt entity created and animated on a computer by the bizarre denizens of alt.fan.philippa.forrester. Impressed by such technical wizardry, the producers of BBC TV's 'Tomorrow's World' took on 'Philippa' as its first electronically-generated presenter. It also has the advantage that you can switch her off.

  17. Philippa enjoys Korean food, and likes nothing better than to curl up on the sofa in front of a video of 'Night Fever' munching on a takeaway Irish terrier and chips. With chilli sauce.

Feedback

Enthusiastic praise for this feature comes from no less august organ than the BBC itself. 'Vince', as John Birt is known to close friends, writes to say:

Much as I admire your very humorous pages, I feel I have to protest about your curmudgeonly use of young Philippa Forester... As she is a fellow colleague of mine, I have to say that your remarks and so called 'facts' are completely malicious and fictitious... [ Well spotted - Ed.] even if they are slightly humorous.

I don't care what anyone says... In my opinion, Philippa is a complete babe, and I strongly suggest that for health reasons, you leave her alone, and turn your sewage hose onto someone far more deserving - such as Chris Evans.

I hope to see no more cruel references to gorgeous Philippa appearing in your pages from now on, or I'll be forced to send the boys round... allright???

Unfortunately I fear Vince is doomed to disappointment. It will remain the editorial policy of this magazine to continue to heap abuse on Forrester's dyed head until she apologises for being rubbish.

As for Chris Evans, the Titian tosser is unfortunately satire-proof. What could we say about Evans that would present him in a worse light than his own words and actions?

We do welcome dissenting opinions, though don't flatter yourself that you'll be able to phrase your objection so eloquently as our esteemed contributor of the week 'Dr Shag', who writes:

Man you are a stupid cunt. That Philippa Forrester stuff is seriously unfunnny and you deserve a kicking for it. She is gorgeous, and you doing all that image changing to her face is fucking stupid. Whatcha trying to do? Make it so she doesnt outlook your ugly fuck of a face. Shes fucking gorgeous no matter how much you change her face. I dont know how you cant go out on the street without a bag over your face you fucking geek. So if you want a dissing match any time then bring it on. People like you deserve slap. From the look of your picture it looks like people have already done it. Over and over again. Cockhead!

Your crisp new fiver is in the post, doctor.

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