Satanist Thought For The Day
We all know that the anti-democratic Christian right controls the media, to the extent that BBC Radio 4 have refused to allow any alternative religions to appear on 'Thought For The Day'. Except joke ones that nobody seriously believes in, like Islam. So we decided to redress the balance by allowing the servants of the Dark One to have a go.
- First, never-popular politician Gerald "Flesh-crawl" Kaufman:
As a Labour MP I have a certain standard to maintain within my constituency and with the government. That's why on my days away from London I like to go out into the housing estates of my south Manchester constituency and ritually skin squirrels.
It's only a small gift to my Overlord but it suffices to keep me from incurring his wrath. As I sit, watching the squirrels in their tree-top hideaways, little knowing the pleasure that they would soon give to our Dark Lord, King of the Pits of Hell and Fiend of Blackness, I am ofttimes reminded of the power I and my fellow ministers have over you, the masses.
Sometimes the feelings of power become so much that I have to scrawl pentagrams over my body with red pen and hum the Kilroy theme tune over and over until I can control my shaking. Fortunately this doesn't distract me from the magnitude of my appointed task: to crush the hated Nazarene, whose soul lies within the body and face of Britain's Prime Minister.
Mr Kaufman was speaking through the well-known medium, Doris "Ben" Argyle. As his seemingly inert body was carried away by white-coated medics, a picture of the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair spontaneously caught fire on the wall nearby. And Mr Kaufman's eyes seemed to glow eerily with the reflected flames.
- Next week it was the turn of Mel and Sue's Light... ly Charred Lunch. The following statement was issued through their press officer Ben Argyle:
Although we like to have a bit of a laugh on the show; you know, cheeky banter with the guests and a bit of singing, you don't really hear about the audience members who don't make it home. You see, Sue and I conduct a little satanic ritual before every show (you can do it too) to pick which member of the audience will be hacked up into little pieces with a cleaver and used in the food the main guest prepares.
If you send in a stamped addressed envelope a few days before the show we will send back a list of the audience's names and you can use your own ouija board to influence the decision during the first commercial break. You'll know when to start calling on the Dark Lord Beelzebub when I wink at the camera.
The lucky follower of Our Dark Lord and the victim's name will be revealed, backmasked into the song we sing at the end of the show. Simply record it and play it backwards to find out if you've won. As to the human flesh, well that's consumed after the show as we stand naked, drenched in blood communing with the Lord of Misrule.
- Drink-sodden morning TV hag Judy Finnegan:
If, like me, you present a hastily-assembled daytime TV show with a smug-looking man in a suit, you probably have real trouble keeping a synthetic smile on your face all day long. You're fed up with simulating concern for slack-jawed viewers who phone in aimlessly whining about their problems. You can no longer feign interest in Jane Asher's bloody cakes. In fact, when you get home of a lunchtime, you want to really wind down.
Well what better way than by making some small voodoo dolls of people you hate out of dough. You then eat them, giggling hysterically all the while. The dolls' experiences as they pass through your digestive system, and eventually into the sewers, will be psychically transferred to the real people they represent, probably. Imagine the pain and humiliation Chris Evans would feel being squeezed out of the lower end of your anal tract.
Remember to send a Polaroid of yourself excreting each doll to the person it represents, making sure to get a close-up of your laughing face, and to write on the photograph, "With much love from Lord Beelzebub".
Mrs Finnegan was writing from the secure ward at Gants Hill Psychiatric Hospital, shortly before undergoing major electro-convulsive therapy.
- Portly self-righteous ex-minister Ann Widdecombe:
The Bible tells us that you should love your neighbour as yourself. Obviously whoever wrote that rubbish didn't have Michael Howard as a neighbour. I remember one time me and a few friends gave Michael a cassette tape of some 'pop' music for his birthday. Little did he know that we'd simply recorded ourselves hitting electric guitars as hard as possible while shrieking 'Kill yourself! Kill yourself!', and then turned the recording backwards. Popping round next day in expectation of seeing Michael's slightly shiny face turning slowly in the breeze as he dangled from his living room lamp fixture, to my horror I was greeted by Michael himself, thanking me for the lovely Judas Priest album. My plan had failed! It just goes to show if you're going to be Satanic it's as well to do the thing properly and simply sacrifice your victim with a retractable multi-blade woodworking knife. Er. I imagine. But I haven't done that. And anyone who says I have is lying.
- Barry 'Two small children and a piece of fried bread please' Jenkins, the Bishop of Chichester:
Hello. At this time of year our thoughts turn to birds, trees, hedges, and the glory of life generally. But remember that all these things are the foul spawn of the Enemy, sitting up there with his big beard and his bloody harps. So the next time you see a beautiful kingfisher darting over a woodland stream, slash its neck with your penknife and hang the corpse from a low branch to drain. And remember to tell the police what you've done, laughing insanely and saying that the Devil told you to do it.
- Rabbi Lionel "A smile and a human sacrifice" Blue.
I was crossing Grosvenor Bridge in Battersea this morning on the train, and I saw a giant thirty-foot inflatable mobile phone dangling from a crane. And you know, it reminded me of the way that God dangles his stupid unwanted face into all our lives, spying on our every move. And in a way, the Dark Lord Beelzebub is our 'direct line' to salvation. For if we follow his teachings, and spend our lives dressing up in robes and doing slightly disturbing things by candlelight in a lock-up garage somewhere in Kilburn, we shall achieve... absolutely nothing. But at least we will be able to laugh at those Christian fools, who waste their time dressing up in strange clothes, gathering in dark places to chant mystical rituals and sacrificing turkeys in late December. And the relevance of the giant inflatable phone? There you have me, I'm afraid.
- Our Lord Satan's appointed representative on earth, Michael Howard:
Hellllo. Michaell Howard here. Pllease llisten very carefulllly. The time for action in our great cause has arrived. The Nazarene is once more among us, doing the Enemy's foull work through the person of his disciplle, known to you as Jeremy Paxman. He and his cursed llieutenants Ann Widdecombe and Derek Llewis must be annihillated. Go to the kitchen and take out a llarge carving knife. You willll go to the Paxman's fllat in the guise of a journallist. Tellll him that you have important information about the connection between the breakout at Parkhurst and Satanic ritualls performed by me at the Home Office. Then when he llets you in, run him through brutalllly with the knife. Hang his disembowelllled body on the wallll with appropriate llighting effects, a bit llike Hanniball Llecter in 'Sillence of the Llambs'. When the pollice arrive, avoid answering any of their questions by slliding away onto another subject or saying "I think the reall issue here is...", or "I'm very
gllad you asked me that question." Even if they ask you a question fourteen times, no answer shallt thou vouchsafe. Wellll done my good and faithfull servant.