The Shrewsbury Sentinel

Our secret mole, 'The Shrewsbury Sentinel' sends us occasional dispatches from the front line. Some of the more recent missives are reproduced below.

  1. Hello viewers and welcome to my irregular correspondence from the sleepy backwater that is Shropshire. People often think that London is the only place where you can fawn over celebrities, and visit all the so called "places to be seen". Not so, just the other week I was at an amusing shaped vegetable competition in Meole Brace, and who do you think was judging it? Little and Large that's who.

    Little was dressed as a carrot and was playing some of his amusing songs, while Large was wearing ladies make up and was dressed like an old potato (well at least I think he was in disguise). Just before he gave the first prize in the "cucumber that looks most like a dog's cock" competition, he gave us a rendition of various celebrities' cars starting on a cold morning.

    My personal favourite was Deputy Dog, although after speaking to Little later he told me his was Eddie Wearing. He then recounted an amusing story involving Large, a radish and a pound of liver when they were sharing a caravan in Litham St.Annes, during their groundbreaking version of Dick Whittington, at the Blackpool Empire, but I've been sworn to secrecy. All I can say is, if Celebrity Squares ever returns, hold onto your sides.

  2. Our intrepid correspondent this week has been to the latest modern art exhibition in Shrewsbury's world-famous Pystake Gallery. On his way out he was fortunate enough to discover a private memo from the gallery's director to the Mayor of Shrewsbury. We reproduce it here in full.

    I was amazed this morning while watching BBC breakfast news. There was an article about some art exhibition in London and it was giving a run down on some of the exhibits

    1. Damien Hirst's pig in formaldahyde
    2. A picture of Myra Hindley made out of childrens handprints
    3. A table with two fried eggs on it
    4. A bloke who had made a cast of his head out of frozen blood.

    Fuck me! We're wasting our time working, if these nincompoops can palm off a load of old cobblers onto the so called sophisticates of London, so can we, here are some suggestions :

    1. A black and white picture of one of us naked, balancing two apples on our shoulder. It would be called "Flesh Orchard", with a caption underneath saying its an illustration of the longing to be at one with nature, with the apples representing the struggle between nature and industry.
    2. A clock with a dog and a cats head stuck to the hands, suspended by a pair of tights over a picture of Lulu covered in offal. We could attempt to say this represented the British love of animals (a bit tenous I know but what the hell).
    3. A pair of tits made of jelly, on a raft of amputated trotters, floating in a big vat of piss. Representing, well nothing really, it just sounds like a laugh.