ARE YOU A ROMAN CATHOLIC? ------------------------- Take the Arthur Thacker quiz and see for yourself. 1. How many brothers and sisters do you have? a) 1 b) 2 c) 48 2. You and some friends decide to go and have a bit of fun at the weekend. What do you do? a) Go down the pub and get drunk, then off to a club and have a real good time of it. b) To the race meeting with plenty of money for betting and booze. c) Down the local town centre in a clapped out Vauxhall Viva armed with AK47's. You leave the car with a ton of semtex in the boot, then go and machine gun the nearest betting shop full of proddies. 3. Your grandmother has time on her hands. What does she do to occupy herself? a) Goes to bingo with some of the other old folk. b) Walks the dog or enjoys the garden. c) Sits in a corner knitting balaclavas for the lads and sewing hankies that she sells to provide money for the good old boys in The Maze. 4. Your mother finds a packet of contraceptives in your bedroom. What does she do? a) Nothing. She's quite happy that you're being responsible and taking precautions. b) Has a word with you about the dangers of pregnancy, even though you're using contraceptives. c) Whips you senseless with a leather belt and locks you in the wardrobe without food and water for three days. Then she drags you down to church for four hours of confession with Father O'Doyle who exorcises the evil perverted spirit from your very soul. 5. What do you take with you to a funeral? a) Flowers or a wreath to place on the coffin. b) A personal memento of the deceased person. c) Rucksack full of grenades, three handguns and a semi-automatic rifle. 6. How many uncles do you have called Peter or Paul? a) One or two. b) None. c) 755 7. You are to interview candidates for a top archbishop's job in Ireland. Whom would you consider to be the best candidate? a) A devout Canon or other high-ranking priest who has served many long years in the church through thick and thin. b) A dynamic young priest who will serve the church well and perhaps breathe fresh life into the ecclesiastical establishment. c) A wizened old paedophile who's about eighty-odd and who is not averse to occasionally getting pissed and giving the altar boys one up the Gary Glitter. 8. What music is best for weddings? a) A variety because not everyone has the same musical tastes. b) Good old-fashioned get-up-and-dance records - rock n roll and a good singalong tune here and there. c) The Dubliners, Dana, the fucking Nolans, Pogues, Johnny cunting Logan and them bastard Corrs. 9. After thirty-five years of marriage it would appear that the sparkle has finally gone out of your relationship. Do you consider a divorce? a) Yes. If you're not happy then that's all you can do. b) Perhaps, but first you'd like to make sure there's nothing you can do to save it. c) How dare you suggest such a thing! You'd rather live with a serial rapist and child molester than even consider such a blasphemous thing. Wash your mouth out with soap and water and say 86 Hail Marys. 10. As a teenage girl you find yourself pregnant. What do you do? a) Nothing. You might as well just have the child and get on with your life. b) Have an abortion or consider adoption. c) Take the next ferry across to England, squat in some dark alley and drop the sprog there and then. Take it to a hospital and dump the poor fucker in a skip before fucking off back to bogland and your loving family who need never know. 11. Your sister is having marital problems and confides in you that her husband is cheating on her and wants to leave. What do you do? a) Nothing. It's got nothing to do with you. b) Try and talk to both of them, explaining that they must sort these things out themselves. c) Go round the house with a gang of cousins and uncles when your sister is out, break the cunt's fingers with baseball bats and tell him he can shit on your sister all he likes. But if he ever considers divorce you will go round again and finish the fucking job. 12. A new abortion clinic opens up practically round the corner from where you live. What do you do about it? a) You don't really like the idea, but it is a free country. b) You think it's a good thing that facilities are easily accessible for young girls in trouble. c) Blow the bastard up. 13. Can you marry a member of the Royal Family? a) Yes, if the circumstances were right. b) Not really feasible, is it, though it would be nice. c) Can you fuck. Fuck off. They don't want papist trash like you polluting the fucking bloodlines. Cunting left-footers want a piece of everything. 14. What is the name of your local church? a) St James. b) St Matthew c) The Sacred Bleeding Heart Of Jesus Christ On The Cross Upside Down With Thorns Sticking out Of His Head Can You See What The Jews Did To Him The Bastards. 15. How many days off did you have during your schooldays? a) Not many. Just the odd one. b) Very few - no more than two a year. c) A fucking shedful. Hardly a week went by when it wasn't the Holy Day of St Fuck-It-Let's-Not-Bother-Going-To-Fucking-School-Today to show how dead holy we were. 16. Describe your average weekend. a) Long lie-in in bed, breakfast, football, down the pub, bit of gardening and nice big meal on Sundays. b) You work most weekends so they're pretty much like all the rest. c) Up early Saturday morning and miss all the good stuff on telly cos it's off to fucking confession. There you tell a wanking priest behind a screen all your innermost secrets and spend ten minutes in a freezing church saying prayers over and over again. Sunday mornings you're not allowed anything to eat because you have to have that communion that tastes like cardboard and makes you vomit. And by the time you get away from the priest at the church doors you've missed the fucking footy on telly. Bastards. 17. Is your mother's name Mary or Theresa? a) No. b) No. c) Yes. Both actually. 18. Describe a typical family funeral. a) Very dignified. A solemn occasion and all right and proper. b) Dignified but informal, whilst maintaining the due respect of the occasion. c) A complete farce from start to finish. An assortment of uncles fighting over who carries the coffin, followed by female fisticuffs over who's wearing the best dress. Drunks falling over and priests touching up young girls. Someone screaming obscenities at the graveside and rounded off with a great big free-for-all rumble in the lounge of some shitty pub in town. 19. You are a 13-year-old girl joyriding in a speeding car. Some cunt of a squaddie shoots you several times through the head and you die. What happens to the soldier who killed you in cold blood? a) He is found guilty of murder and duly gets life imprisonment. b) The full weight of the legal system decided what his punishment will be. c) Fuck all really. Oh, the cunt spends some time in jail, but not much while every fucking politician in the land reckons he did nothing wrong even though eight of his bullets were pulled from your fucking brain. And when the bastard does finally get his conviction overturned he's a fucking hero. The murdering twat. 20. A person from your family is killed when a gang of armed paramilitaries opens fire in the pub. How do the News programmes refer to his death. a) They say he was brutally and savagely murdered at the hands of evil forces. b) They say he was cut down and needlessly slaughtered by murderous terrorists. c) Shot dead. That'll fucking do. Just say he was shot dead and fuck it. 21. What did your parents tell you would happen if you masturbated? a) Nothing. They said it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that you should have no hang-ups about it. b) Advised you that it was alright but that it should remain a private thing. c) That your arms would fall off, your teeth would fall out, your eyes would bleed and burst and that worms would crawl out of your arse and eat your dick while you slept. And for good measure they broke your fucking hands with a rolling pin and warned you never ever to touch yourself "down there", you evil little spawn of satan, you. 22. You are a teenage girl and your parents find out that you've been seeing a Protestant boy. What do they do? a) Nothing. It's up to you who you see. b) Say they don't mind and that it's a good thing because people are just people. c) Take you down to the priest's house where he thrashes you with a leather belt (whilst wanking, probably). A good tar and feather job tied to a lamp post for three hours, then it's off to the local convent for you, where you are abandoned for the next twenty years so that you can learn about being a good girl. You evil bitch child of Lucifer. 23. You are keen to see that your children join some club or society so that they can feel part of the greater community and learn to interact with others. Which club or society do you get them to join? a) The Scouts, to teach them self-discipline and social skills. b) The Duke of Edinburgh Scheme so that they can achieve things and mix with others. c) The Mafia so they can wash cars for fat fuckers who sit outside cafes, then as they get older they can run bootleg fags and booze and eventually own their own nightclub which they burn down for the insurance money. 24. Is your mother an insane witch who crosses herself whenever someone swears, sees no wrong at all in blowing kids apart in shopping centres and thinks people who have abortions should be hanged? a) No. b) No. c) Yes. 25. A bomb goes off near to where you live. How does this affect you and your life? a) Not at all really. You get used to that kind of thing. b) You are worried because you wonder if you might be killed or injured yourself one day. c) Your front door is bashed down in the dead of night by armed police and soldiers who proceed to trash the place looking for the merest whiff of gunpowder and arrest all the men in the place. Then they sling your arse in jail and keep you there without trial for as long as they fucking like. ANSWERS: Mainly a: You're not a Roman Catholic. Mainly b: Neither are you. Mainly c: Well done. You pass with flying colours. Not only are you a self-opinionated cunt, but there are more double standards in your belief system than there are fannies in a nunnery. Give yourself a pat on the back and that shortcut to heaven that you all think you're entitled to. You two-faced cunt. -- Arthur Thacker -- Vectored by Moose Mansions (http://www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/)