CHRISTMAS CRAP JOKES COLLECTION (volume 7) Cuckoo Clock Joke ----------------- Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because that he'd "be home by midnight...promise!" Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits even when smashed -- to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one! "Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock." she says over her morning coffee. "Why is that?" the husband asks. "Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled." Brain Transplant Joke --------------------- The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." Sickie Excuses -------------- It's Thursday now, but we know some of you are planing a great weekend. In the spirit of being prepared here is a list of excuses for not showing up at work on Monday * I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? * When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. * I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. * If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. * I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... * Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. * I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. * The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. * The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. * I prefer to remain an enigma. * I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. Wedding Joke ------------ Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?" Asylum Joke ----------- Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" Grandmother Joke ---------------- When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember." Morality Tale Joke ------------------ The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, Don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy". Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Auntie Helen when she's been drinking." Cockroach Joke -------------- Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He walked to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after Joe finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach. The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin, and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night, Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the tar out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day Joe went to see his doctor and explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much, I'm afraid," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around." Irish Joke ---------- After having dug 100m, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came with the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one millennium ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks to follow, the English dug 200m, and headlines in the London newspapers read: "English scientists found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone a 1000 years earlier than the Scots" One week later the Irish press reported the following: "After having dug as deep as 500m, the Irish scientists found absolutely nothing and concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using cellular phones. Man/Woman Joke -------------- WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them With pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Shit. Football Jokes -------------- Why are the England team banned from owning dogs? ....because they can't keep hold of a lead. What's the difference between Phil Neville and the new style Airfix models? ....one's a Glueless Kit and..... What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ....The tea bag stays in the cup longer. Did you know that OXO will be bringing out a new cube based on the England team? It will be called 'Laughing Stock' and it will crumble in the box. Laboured Sultan of Brunei Joke ------------------------------ The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy,I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team. Priest Joke ----------- A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN !" Atom Joke --------- Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good." "I'm not feeling very well," says the second atom. "I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the first. "Yeah, I'm positive!" Pie Joke -------- Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." Toy Joke -------- A young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't this rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to adjust your toddler to live in today's world," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong." Kiss Joke --------- All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she refused him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!" "Well," he replied, "how about on your last date?" Trombonist Joke --------------- A trombonist in the orchestra took a much needed vacation, and during that time he took in an evening of selections from Mozart, Beethoven and Brahms at the opera house. When he came back to work his fellow trombonist asked how things had gone. "The best part," said he, "was the opera house." "Really," said his friend. "Why?" "I found it so astonishing. You know that part where we go: pah -- pah -- pah -- pah-pah? Well, do you know what the rest of the orchestra is doing? They're playing a symphony!" Noah Joke --------- A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he with just two worms." Wife Joke --------- A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too." Olympic Joke ------------ A man went to the Olympics and saw a young man walking around carrying a long, slender pole. "Are you a pole vaulter?" he asked as the young man went by. "Nein, I'm German. Und how did you know my name ist Valter?" he asked. Barber Joke ----------- A priest went into a Washington barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." When the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. Newlywed Joke ------------- A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin on a luxury cruise ship, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!" Jewelry Joke ------------ A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable. Hiker Joke ----------- A farmer in an up old truck was driving to town when he spotted a hiker carrying a backpack and a big suitcase. Being a caring man, the farmer pulled over and asked the young man if he wanted a ride. Even though the truck looked like it was about to fall apart, the young man put his suitcase in the back and climbed aboard. But the farmer was confused when he noticed the man still wearing the backpack. "Why don't you take a load off, and put that pack in the back with your suitcase?" asked the farmer. The hiker responded, "That's very kind of you sir, but I wasn't sure if the truck could carry the extra weight. So I thought I'd carry it myself." Mathematician Joke ------------------ As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!" In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..." Mathematician Joke II --------------------- An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside. Food Joke --------- What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food? With Chinese food, an hour later you're hungry again. With Italian food, an hour later you're still eating. Supermarket Joke ---------------- The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store." Angel Joke ---------- An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." Repairman Joke -------------- A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes." The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves. Navigation Joke --------------- HIS DIRECTIONS: 80 West Exit 14 Exit 121 (Left at Light) Exit 116 (Veer right) RT Lincoln Road RT Old bluewood RT Myrtle RT Lancster RT Lassen St HER DIRECTIONS: 80....(SF)....just after the weight station near cordelia (I think) will be an exit for 14...Sonoma and Napa.... take it.....follow it all the way thru.....till you end up in fairfield...there is a signal next to...a Beer joint I think it is....i don't know...but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy....go thru the signal...go over the bridge thing....then when you get to the next signal...make a left to go to death vally....you'll be on Carneros Hwy....then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light....turn right....the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right...VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff...ya know, those big metal thingamajigs....there will be a stop sign...you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln ...well...turn right....follow that to the end....its kinda a long way....you will hit old bluewood hwy....turn right on old bluewood.....follow it down...past the 8 Ball (a bar that will show up on the right)... Speech Joke ----------- A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room chirps, "There's a calendar behind you." Orang-utan Joke --------------- One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." Lawyer Urban Legend ------------------- A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, could not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is an emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find his original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?" They got it. Hooker Joke ----------- Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner. She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says,"What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?" -- Vectored by Moose Mansions (http://www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/)