DARWIN AWARD 1998 CANDIDATES ---------------------------- The candidates have finally been released. For those not familiar with the Darwin Award -- It's an annual honour given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. 1. In September in Detroit, a 41 year old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18 inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2. In October, a 49 year old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200 foot high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8 foot deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach go-ers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarising. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 8. In September, a 7 year old boy fell off a 100 foot high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS (1) In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. (2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. (3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. (4) Taking 'Amateur Night' Too Far:? In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, 'It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons' ================================= La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. 'My dog drags the thing all over the house,' he said later. 'He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. 'He was a real trooper during the entire episode,' said Dr. Dennis Crobe. 'Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.' ======================= TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one said that they knew someone who had bungee-jumped off of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of thecable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to thebridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his footoff at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river waterand was rescued by two nearby fishermen 'All I can say,' said Bingham, 'isthat God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it'. Bingham's foot was never located. =============== BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away thepenis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. 'Chris is just plain lucky,' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. 'Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilise the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr.Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb becauseof this.' Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy. -- Vectored by Moose Mansions (http://www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/)