DHSS LETTERS
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The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual letters
sent to the DHSS (Social Security).  Although rather crude they are
written in good faith by the senders.

*  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

*  Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my
wife is about to become an expectant mother.

*  I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my
knob off.

*  The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is
cleared.

*  The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is
unsightly and dangerous.

*  Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

*  Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would
like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something
about it.

*  Would you please repair our toilet.  My son pulled the chain and the
box fell on his head.

*  Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year.  The clergy
have been visiting her.............

*  I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable
to masturbate his food.

*  In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer
with no results so far.

*  I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing
is dead.
*  Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to
hospital to have her overtures out.

*  Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children -
one of which is a mistake as you will see.

*  My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds
he is lethargic to it.

*  Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged
to live an immortal life.

*  The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles
about and I had them humanised.

*  Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my
landlord and milkman.

*  You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will this matter?

*  Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but
a hypodermic.

*  In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in
the enclosed envelope.

*  I want my sick pay quick.  I have been in bed under the doctor for
a week and he is doing me no good.  If things don't improve I shall get
another doctor.

*  I do not get any money from my son.  He is in the army and his regiment
is at present manuring on Salisbury Plain.

*  Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

*  Re your dental enquiry.  The teeth on top are alright but those on
my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

*  I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This
is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

*  I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names.  This was
due to contraceptional circumstances.

*  I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

*  The lavatory is blocked.  This is caused by the boys next door throwing
their balls on the roof.

*  This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

*  The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

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