SCOTTISH WINDOWS 98
-------------------

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow.  If you
have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding
the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the
opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a
Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a
Buckfast screen saver.

Also note:
 The Recycle Bin is labelled "Oot tae fuck"
 Dialup Networking is called "Ma Mates"
 Control Panel is known as "How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins"
 Hard Drive is referred to as "Big Disk"
 Floppies are known as "Them Wee Plastic Bastards"

 Other features:
 OK = its aww-right
 cancel = fuck off
 yes = aye
 no = nay fuckin' chance
 find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
 go to = orr therr
 help = ah cannae dae it
 stop = gie's fuckin peace
 start = fuckin' move
 settings = settins
 programs = stuff at does stuff
 personal folder = ma shit

Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:

 tiperiter = a word processor
 cullerin book = a graphics program
 addin mershene = calculator
 scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
 sounds = CD player
 porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
 pikchers = a graphics viewer
 dole money = M/S accounting software
 Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
 Bevvy local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
 tax records = usually an empty file
 Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

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