Spice Girl Factoid Depository
Ever wanted to astonish your friends with a plethora of dubious facts about the execrable Spice Girls? No, neither have I.
Spice Girl Facts A-Plenty
- All around the country farmers are putting large Spice Girls posters up in their fields of corn, as they find these work much better than the old-fashioned Jon Pertwee-style scarecrows. (Reported by Pam)
- In a top-secret court case, the Spice Girls are currently being sued for breach of copyright after it was found that the lyrics to one of their songs were in fact stolen.
The hit song 'Spice up your life' features a the words 'La la-la la-la- la la-la-la' which, even to the untrained ear, bear an uncanny resemblance to the 'Tra-la-la la-la-la-la' theme of 'The Banana Splits'.
Physical similarities between Geri and 'the one that looked like an elephant' have also added considerable weight to the prosecution's case. The 'splits' already look set to win after the legal precident set by 'The Six Million Dollar Man' vs 'Emmerdale Farm' where the latter was found guilty of simply copying a theme tune, slowing it down and adding sheep.
(That fact brought to you by David Thornber, which is just as well because he's a much funnier writer than I am.)
- In days of old Spice Girls were placed on the highest hills around Britain's coast, ready to blaze out a warning of foreign invaders. Indeed, when the Spanish Armada sailed up the Channel to threaten our way of life and force everyone to eat paella or something, villagers all over the country were alerted by a flaming Spice Girl. Sorry, not Spice Girls, what am I thinking of? Beacons! That was it.
- Ginger Spice, who claims to admire Thatcher so much, really is in fact Margaret Thatcher, under a rubber mask, straight from the set of ScoobyDoo. She and the other 3 Spice girls have a plan to take over the world. Baby Spice didn't agree to the plan, and she has been messily dealt with. A puppet now replaces her. We all remember those pictures of her being carried by her bodyguard when she reputedly fell off her own platform shoes - a likely story - no, in truth, a couple of her legs strings broke and she had to be carried off. Their manager had to be sacked after he claimed that sex with Baby Spice had become a bit wooden, and he kept finding splinters in his nob. (This fact brought to you courtesy of Pam Cherry)
- The Spice Girls' song "Momma I Love You" is based Sophocles' off-Broadway hit "Oedipus Rex". In the video, Geri kills her father with a junior hacksaw in order to have salacious lesbian sex activity with her mother, or something like that anyway. I haven't actually seen it.
- If you take the words "Geri, Emma, Victoria, Mel B and Mel C", and mix the letters up a bit, and take some away, and add some new ones, you get "Irritating talentless tarts created as a marketing exercise and unlikely to survive beyond Christmas."
- Patronising children's pop magazine Smash Hits recently carried out a survey of which Spice girl people would most like to kill, and how. Not surprisingly, ageing 'redhead' Geri came on top (cue Russ Abbott-style facial gesture), with bleached manager-shagger Baby a close second. Most respondents though that Sporty Mel C was "all right" and that they'd probably buy her "a pint" if she came down their local. But the prize for Most Gruesome Assassination Method went to Janet Stoner from Rhyl, who suggested that irritating supposed toff Victoria be put to death by having her mother forced down her oesophagus, if she loves her so much. 13% of those surveyed said they would like to end Ginger's life with an electric sander.
- Behind Sporty Spice's healthy but munchkin-like image lies a secret sorrow. Much of her life has been spent battling addiction, not to booze or drugs, but Nestle Cheerios. Quoth Sporty: "I used to get a big rush off Ricicles and Coco Pops, but after a while it just wasn't enough. Now I've had to admit I have a serious four-grain nutrition problem."
- If all the Spice Girls were laid end to end, nobody would be in the slightest bit surprised. (Brought to you by the Keith Chegwin Foundation for the Preservation of Old Jokes.)
- The Spice Girl's involvement with cheeky televisual startup underdog Channel 5 didn't end with their non-acclaimed rendering of '5-4-3-2-1' on the station's opening night. Mel C has been working as a studio electrician on weekends, and that stuck-up bitch Victoria is a qualified camera operatrino. It's true.
- Scientists working on an international arse-weighing survey found that 'Baby' Emma Spice's arse is the heaviest ever recorded among primates. Weighing in at just over 72,000 tons (the same as a fully-laden Trident missile submarine), the never-popular mini songstress's buttock cheeks are to be donated to the Natural History Museum upon her death. A special reinforced gallery is already being installed to hold Emma's lard-packed flaps.
- Ginger Geri out of the Spice Girls once bought over 18,000 cucumbers in a mad attempt to get the most ever Tesco ClubCard points and win a Dormobile, but her attempt was foiled by a telephone engineer from Bolton who bought 426,000 packets of Nesquik milkshake. What a greedy bastard. The fate of the cucumbers is not recorded.
- The Spice Girls are not real. They were simulated inside a powerful Silicon Graphics imaging computer by a disgruntled Bob Dylan roadie as an ironic joke against the music business. The graphics are very convincing, just like those developed for Jurassic Park, but the trained eye can detect one or two flaws. (1) Real women don't actually look like that. (2) Their lips actually sync to the words properly, a sure sign of computer-generation. Also, in the video for 'Two Become One', Posh Spice turns into a 130-foot brontosaurus for a couple of frames.
- When 'Baby' Emma Spice out of the Spice Girls was a real baby, she was suckled by woodlice in a garden shed. Emma reports no ill effects from this unusual upbringing, except patches of shiny black insectoid carapace which she conceals with silly clothes, and a tendency to scuttle under big stones in panic situations.
- Mel B out of the Spice Girls is over 4,000 years old. She maintains her youthful looks by keeping a portrait of Barbara Cartland in the attic.
- Minced Spice Girl contains 98.4% of the European Community's Recommended Daily Allowance of protein.
- Posh Victoria out of the Spice Girls has a degree in Electronic Engineering from Durham University, and was a member of the team which originally developed the French viewdata system Minitel.
- Scientists who played the Spice Girls' single 'Wannabe' to a laboratory group of chimpanzees discovered that only a few seconds exposure can cause a decrease in cognitive performance, rendering the animals unable to complete simple block puzzles and the Daily Mirror crossword. Prolonged exposure caused vomiting, madness and eventually death. Geri out of the Spice Girls attempted to counter these findings by saying "So what? I've got a Union Jack dress."
- Mel B is actually the much-talked-about secret illegitimate daughter of dead TV 'celebrity' Hughie Green. But the scandal doesn't end there, for Mel was actually born Melvin Boggs and only embarked on a career in showbiz to raise the money for a full sex-change operation. (s)he is currently on the waiting list and hopes to be a complete woman within the next year. Meanwhile look closely next time (s)he appears on TV in those figure-hugging shorts. Look at that bulge. LOOK AT IT. Now tell me what (s)he wants, what (s)he really really wants!
- Victoria aka Posh Spice out of the Spice Girls is actually a kind of weird gestalt Frankenstein's monster created out of all the leftover body parts the others didn't want.
- Emma out of the Spice Girls started her musical career as a solo artist, and has released a single called "Baby I'll Suck Your Throbbing Fuckstick". The record got to number 3 in the French charts in 1992, but was unsuccessful in Britain.
- Mel C out of the Spice Girls is the Regius Professor of Political Economics at Cambridge University, and is the author of a treatise on Friedmanite monetarism.
- Emma out of the Spice Girls is an absolute tiger in bed. That's not metaphor, but the literal truth. For Emma is a were-tiger, an affliction she contracted on holiday in Bengal. Now she involuntarily morphs into a huge raging feral beast at the slightest environmental trigger, for example watching a Frosties advert.
- Victoria out of the Spice Girls was once arrested for practising voodoo in Richmond Park.
- As all the world knows there are two Mels, Mel B and Mel C. So what happened to Mel A? It's a terrible story. Mel A was one of the founder members of the SGs, but was sacked by the record company when they found out that she was not really a human being at all, but one of those cunningly-disguised alien lizard creatures out of V. Naturally, this scandal was covered up, but Moose Mansions can exclusively reveal that Mel A, disappointed by the failure of her plans to dominate Earth by means of provocatively dancing and miming to shit pop music, is now living alone in a small shed in Walsall with a jar of preserved spiders and a handful of memories.
- Mel B out of the Spice Girls is a classically-trained architect.
- Geri out of the Spice Girls lost her right arm in a freak calligraphy accident two years ago, and while on stage has to wear an extremely convincing rubber prosthesis.
More Spice Girls Hatred
Spice Girls hatred sites are springing up all over the Web. Millie Tant-style pop group Chumbawamba's excellent web site contains a scathing attack on the 'new lass' culture which the Spice Girls are supposed to represent.
Or if your preference is for direct, albeit vicarious, violence, there used to be a brilliant web game called Slap a Spice Girl, sadly no longer available, but you can still look at Urban75 and imagine what it might look like if it were.
Yahoo lists a great number of Anti-Spice Girls sites (though not this one, alas). Unfortunately most of them are dramatically pants. I also have to say, one or two of them seem to be taking it rather too seriously. That is, at all. One individual, who shall remain nameless, offers a number of musical alternatives to those disenchanted with Spice, among them Jethro Tull, cough cough.
Really, chaps, you need to do a bit more than simply say 'The Spice Girls are shit'. Why not follow my example and spend years researching them, digging out alarming but salutary facts about their secret lives?
The implausibly-named SGPOWER from, where else, AOL, writes:
Your complete retards. Yes I said RETARDS. If you can't read let me help you!!! R.E.T.A.R.D.S=RETARDS!!! Your the scum of the earth. I spit where ever you walk. You people need a real life. That's what the SPICE GIRLS have. Your all mad because you don't have enough money or the brains like the SPICE GIRLS do!!! They are rich and sorry to say your probley not!! So get a clue that there are alot of people out there that like the SPICE GIRLS....and not enough that hate them. THEY ARE THE BOMB!!!!!!!! GIRL POWER TO YOU DUMBASSES!!!
A deliciously-conceived irony there. Well done.
Regular reader Richard Limbrick writes:
I was extremely impressed by your unrestricted hatred of those "pop tarts" that, for some unknown reason, call themselves "the Spice Girls". It's good that in a world suffering from a overt fetish for "spice" there are those willing to stand up to the onslaught.
An American correspondent writes:
Thanks to your countrymen, we have the Spice Girls and Oasis. I can forgive the Stamp Act, I cannot forgive these crimes against humanity. God save the queen, or something.
The equally implausibly-named Richard Huot writes:
THEY CAN'T SING AND THEY ARE JUST A BORING GROUP OF TARTS WHO ARE ALL BUTT UGLY FROM ME
Admirable sentiments I think you'll agree.
From the implausibly-named Alyse D. Johnson:
I am VERY ticked-off! I just happen to be a huge fan of the SPICE GIRLS! If you don't like someone (or in this case music groups) it's O.K to say you don't like someone, but you don't need to draw horns and fangs on pictures or say false facts about them! The SPICE GIRLS are good and Christian girls. I know for a fact that they just dress the way they do is because they want to attract attention. It's not like their evil or anything! What if you were a SPICE GIRL and you saw that? How would you feel? I just want you to think about that next time you think about putting something nasty out there. Thank you.
P.S. DON'T SAY IT'S A JOKE EITHER! IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WHEN YOU G THROUGH SO MUCH TROUBLE AND USE UP SO MUCH OF YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd prefer a genuine complaint, but this tasteful forgery will have to do. Christian indeed... I should coco.
Perhaps the most eloquent response comes from a Toh wee Leong, pictured below:
And kindly old Suffolk vicar the Rev. Brian Torch took the trouble to write in expressing his support, saying (and he puts it well):
FUCK YOU DICK! I LUV SPICE!