Top Tips

  1. Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.
  2. Make yourself into a human dynamo by wearing a pair of nylon trolleys and attaching a pair of bulldog clips to your bollocks. Then thrash about frantically as if a bee has just flown up your dirtbox. The charge formed will then be able to power a T.V (probably).
  3. Make everyone in your office believe the cleaners are enslaved squirrels by attaching peanuts to mops and leaving them on the floor.
  4. Annoy your friends by telling them that you've got a really brilliant hi-fi in your room. When they come in to look at it, watch their expressions change as you pull back your jumper to reveal a set of plastic udders filled with piss, which you then proceed to squirt all over them, laughing hysterically.
  5. Tell the doctor you've got duck punch fever. When he asks you what it is, clout him squarely on the nose giving a loud resonant quack.
  6. Show to cinema fans that Forest Gump is escapist nonsense by bringing a load of insane dysentery-infected tramps into the cinema. They'll soon change their opinion of 'lovable halfwits' when one of them shits in their pop corn.
  7. Illustrate the complex ideas behind the Middle East peace talks by sewing a large cloth shrimp onto the knee of your jeans.
  8. Give yourself an elegant persona by sniggering and telling everyone your surname is Lavender.
  9. Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.
  10. When you're back-scuttling your wife next make sure you do it in front of a mirror. Watch her sexy expression change as you stick it up her Gary Glitter.
  11. Commit a series of violent attacks on Roger De Coursey. When the police arrive sit there smiling and tell them that it was Cheeky Kevin who did it. Before they can take you away pull out a really poorly-made ginger ventriloquists doll sodomising nookie bear.
  12. Make your wife into a fast breeder reactor by storing the fissile material under her chin. The reaction can then be controlled by sliding a graphite rod between her greased tits.
  13. Play "Shit Kick Sinatra (TM)" by going into a restaurant with a stereo after treading in a load of dog shit. The tape is a copy of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. When Old Blue Eyes starts to sing proceed to kick the shit onto everyone's chips.
  14. Play pensioner pinball by not giving your seat up for some old dear on the bus. Watch and laugh as she flies about the bus completely out of control, bouncing off the other passengers.
  15. Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going out with an owl.